Introduction:

After a gradual, but long time struggle with leaving UBF I wanted to review an aspect not directly addressed by many people. As a single person the struggle really comes down to staying or leaving. There is nothing more and nothing less. However, a married couple faces different and possibly new obstacles. In fact, a growing family faces the largest issues imaginable combined with the sheer longevity of commitment and service to UBF ministry. Our stories are unique, yet at the same time complimentary by experience in UBF chapters around the world. I invite people to share this aspect of their struggle to leave UBF. There are many accounts found here and there on a wide variety of existing articles and topics, but the agreement to leave between a husband and wife has not really been opened up. It would be nice to hear from more women who visit and read UBFriends. The dominant voice has always been male even though there have become some regular female participants.

Broken Mission?

Where do we hear that our mission is broken? We hear this maybe in our own conscience, but most definitely in our UBF chapter and possibly even at larger UBF gatherings whereupon people have been gossiping. Our conscience might compel us to remain in UBF at all costs because it has become the only expression of our faith and our only understanding on how to receive Jesus’ words, command, purpose and most of all His grace in our lives. UBF teaches well that Jesus’ intent is not only about our salvation, but also narrows down our calling of service to define true Christians as those who go to campus preaching and teaching the Bible. UBF also instills that we should all be little compassionate Jesus’ and feed sheep. This serves to perpetuate the UBF corporate model more than it does the body of Christ, because it is not enough to share the gospel and bring more people to Jesus. It is more important that a shepherd begets a shepherd and so on. I have found that recent revision in UBF has attempted to acknowledge other gifts and talents from God, but the future of UBF as a church really rests in its legacy of campus evangelism.

Now, is participating in church activities a sin? Absolutely not. Naturally, any person who has received grace and has faith in Jesus wants to serve in some way and by any means. The trouble really stems from the list of requirements – UBF’s oral law. The heart is what matters in all circumstances and it is our heart that determines our end with Jesus as our sovereign. So, studying/teaching the Bible, having/being a shepherd, preparing testimony to share publicly, attending meetings, attending Sunday’s, and so on … becomes the model for worship and obedience. All of this just because you honoured a call to study the Bible in UBF. Failure to carry out the growing demands results in a judgment of one’s faith and most certainly some form of discipline. Knowing Jesus is a deeply personal and profound relationship, while knowing UBF is no different than knowing the impersonal corporate world. Simply, obeying UBF becomes more important than obeying Jesus. Is our mission to know and follow Jesus or to know and follow the UBF system?

Broken Promise?

Am I breaking a promise to commit to Jesus if I leave UBF? Personally, I don’t feel that I’m part of the group. I have never caught by this aspect of UBF emotional blackmail. If I commit to Jesus, then Jesus is whom I am bonded to. I have never seen myself in any other light despite the hostility and urgency to demonstrate human loyalties to those who sacrificed for you. I have seen many attempts to scare people about their promises before God. I suppose the conviction and guilt goes even deeper if you have left your country to become a “missionary”. It is difficult to simply accept someone who has left UBF. For a UBF member it feels like betrayal, that a promise has been broken with Jesus. In UBF it is a hard process and struggle. Those who leave UBF have more often been either referred to as unbelievers or great because they studied with UBF. Those who leave UBF are making decisions according to what they know as being right before God. How many times have you cringed when you learn something that is new to you within the UBF fantasy world?

Broken Community?

When someone leaves is the community really broken? When a young Bible student leaves it grieves the one who spent time with them. When a long standing member leaves it grieves everyone, but that grief is expressed with silence. How many examples are there of people who leave and never hear a word from UBF again? The fact is that UBF moves on and plods along its way with or without you. The system has been built to seek out new faces every season with an expectation that only a small number of people will stay – some of whom never become Bible teachers, but remain stuck as sheep. The system is built to block anyone suspect of glorifying themselves and not UBF – God. It also replaces any leader who leaves with ease and control. UBF is not a community of friendship and love, but rather one of numbers. It’s first a hierarchy in the years someone has been there. After that importance goes according to the success of disciples raised by each person. The community of fellowship looks more and more like some marketing department looking for someone to open and close a deal – The kingdom is contaminated with sharks!

Singleness

The life of a (single) student has less complexity in the decision to leave UBF. Now, single does not mean you are without a boyfriend/girlfriend or even spouse. By singleness I am referring to one person who has agreed to study the Bible in UBF. Leaving has no consequence to your social life outside the sphere of UBF and as long as you have not lost your identity there is hope to readjust as you walk with Jesus. Only now do I appreciate the easy circumstances of a single person in UBF. I did not have to worry about my wife or children. I only had to focus on recreating myself. I had enormous concerns about my life if I left. But, mostly these were about my identity and social life. UBF successfully desecrates a person’s social life and habits – routine. After becoming loyal to UBF I exchanged my common habits with UBF activities. This limited social relationships outside of UBF and even my interests, personality and character were sacrificed for my new holy identity as a growing disciple in UBF. When I did challenge and fight I was the only one to get hurt. Disagreements, misunderstandings and so on all had no consequences for others in my life. If I confronted anything I was the only one to receive hardships. The community of UBF could disgrace and shame me and me alone – I never had to worry about my actions having dire consequences for others close to me.

Married (With Children)

After marriage I realized on so many levels how much more difficult the decision to leave UBF was becoming. First of all, there is an understanding during the wedding preparations and ceremony whereupon an oath has been made to serve campus students with this new house church. Both man and woman are prepped to be the model Bible teaching house church. So, here begins the complexity of leaving.

What happens when one partner in the couple begins to object to UBF activities?

I have always been on the brink of leaving and somehow I managed to be married in UBF. I can honestly share with you that I really wanted to hold on as the Bible study had benefitted me, despite the pain that being in UBF had caused me. I had a small hope that maybe I could do things differently. However, I could no longer condone what I had been reading, hearing and in some ways continue to experience as I engage in UBF. Okay, so I feel badly about UBF … what’s next? Now I must sit down and talk with my wife about it. I must coolly and rationally explain myself. I believe my wife will support me on this – but actually I am not sure. (Marriage in UBF is for mission and UBF goals. How common in UBF is it to marry because two people love each other outside the context of mission?)

I do thank God that my family has entered a chapter of UBF that is more flexible, however, it does not cut us off from the umbrella of UBF ministry national and international. My wife has not had such negative experiences as I have and therefore has loyalist tendencies. However, I thank God that she also supports my decisions. To be clear, we are in some way divided, but supportive of each other and highly communicative in our marriage. One difference in our personalities is that I am frequently aware of certain injustices and she is insensitive to them – She is very care free and easy going.

When I arrived in UBF I observed an example like this where the husband remained part of the UBF leadership, but his wife had since left for a local church. It did not take long for the husband to unite with his wife at that church. So, in my example, I have had the conversation with my wife about our flexible chapter and if we had not been so lucky. She knows I would otherwise leave UBF. My decision has become local only – national or international matters do not interest me.

So, what would happen if my wife and I were in opposition? I want to leave, but she wants to stay. I hate UBF and she loves UBF. Clearly we would not be able to reach any reasonable solution. Big dilemma….there are children involved. But really … Who out there had to convince their spouse about leaving? Who was the first one to want to escape? How was the news and announcement received? How long did the process take?

What happens when UBF social culture invades the family unit?

UBF social culture is invasive and likes to compare its logic with the book of Acts. The perceived example of the early churches justifies UBF behaviours. The UBF community can be suffocating for a brother or sister, but knows no bounds after marriage. A married couple becomes an object to be used since the married couple made a vow to serve in UBF for campus ministry. In principle common serving does not look objectionable at first. But, it is the nature of relationships and influence of elders that can make problems in the family unit arise. With children the home invasion brings more privacy concerns and problems. Of course, this may be worse as your children get older.

I am presently just scratching at the surface, because I want to hear people contribute. I want to see new voices. I also want to raise the controversy of weak marriages in UBF. If one spouse is in and the other out of UBF what holds the marriage together? In my case, my wife and I communicate often and she knows exactly my intentions and feelings. Now, you may ask about her prayer for me, but I have already told her not to pray for my renewal in UBF. I am getting older and I am tired of such nonsense. It’s a waste of time. I just want Jesus and not stupid politics of the who’s who at UBF events. As my children get older I also want to spare them the stress of UBF land – Oh! They are so cute until they can form opinions and then they must know their place in UBF social order.

One spouse calling it quits does have the power to break a marriage in UBF. This is very clear because people are committing to the UBF system and not necessarily the person they marry. I have nothing wrong with jumping into a marriage with someone I hardly know. (I did that already!) I do have a problem with being caught up in the dream or fantasy of UBF. Time and experience changes a person. UBF has problems.

Closing:

In this article I am trying to make sense of breaking the relationship with UBF. I question a person’s broken mission, promise and sense of community, because these are integral matters addressed when someone makes the decision to leave. I also think about the contrast of a single voluntary decision to engage in UBF activities against that of an experienced married couple with/without children.

How about you? What else can you add to brokenness? What can you share as a single or married person who struggled to leave UBF? What conflicts did you face? Alone or with your spouse?

On July 2nd, 2011 after several months of email wars with Korean missionaries and other UBF leaders, I finally had enough. I was sick of the dead dog isolation training that was supposed to be only six months but ended up being 8 years. After 8 years of “pioneering”, we were still a single family “house church”. There was no sign of any effort by any leader anywhere in ubfland to actually plant a Christian church. We were just supposed to come up with our own ambition and our own resources to build a ubf chapter.

When I attended the bizarre Toledo UBF Easter conference in April 2011 and heard the worst sermon ever on John 17, I realized I just had to get out of the ubf cult.

So when our family went to my hometown on Independence Day weekend in 2011, I decided to close our ubf “chapter” and resign from ubf. I come from a small country town in Ohio called Defiance. I sent my one sentence resignation email from my Mom’s house in Defiance with as much defiance as possible to over 200 ubfers. It felt SO very good! (Later my resignation earned me an honorable mention in the next ubf newsletter.)

The email wars escalated dramatically after closing our chapter permanently. I quickly revamped and repurposed my entire priestlynation blog.

So now instead of celebrating the glory of ubf, I stand my ground celebrate my independence from ubf. I don’t think people realized who they were messing with when they messed with a guy from Defiance. Four years later I am still on my fascinating and amazing journey of recovery. I love learning how to be a family-centered man, how to make my own decisions and how to let my emotions grow back in a healthy way.

Whether you stay or leave ubf is not the main issue. Whether you are free to speak, free to love and free to be your unique self is the main issue. What is your freedom story? Are you free to live your own life?

First: Be a family-centered person!

If there is anything helpful in my recovery from undue religious influence at UBF, for me it was re-connecting with my family. I was told by a UBF missionary that my visiting my brother’s wedding was an act of Satan. Things like this made me cautious and fearful about visiting my family members.

After coming out of UBF in 2011, however, I find that cutting off ties with parents, etc. is more like Satan’s work. Visiting family is in reality more like Jesus’ work. Jesus once visited Simon’s house, correct? Yes there is a family-like fellowship among believers but nowhere in the bible do we find that it is evil to value and cherish and visit your family.

Second: Be your own man or own woman!

Based on a few proof-texted verses from the bible, UBF shepherds tend to teach you that you cannot make your decisions on your own. Always there is a need to at least check your decisions against your shepherd or chapter director, depending on how big the decision is. I say “be your own man!”. The disrespect for a person’s autonomy at UBF chapters is a blatant red flag of spiritual abuse.

I would suggest reading about healthy mentoring. Mentoring often includes many people as mentors, not just one. Mentors are chosen by students, not the other way around. Why should your life be directed by someone you randomly met on campus one day? It is your life. It is your decision. It is your responsibility.

If you had the chance, what would you say to all UBF sheep right now?

The darkness of UBF is overwhelming. Secrets hide behind nearly every smiling face that offers you so much as a plate of bulgoki. Growing up, every Sunday I went to CBF at the “center.” Even as I child, I always felt like there was something off about UBF people. I never quite felt like I was at home, or that this was my family.

Upon leaving UBF at age 8 with my family, we went to an unnamed evangelical church in the area. It was there that I entered life and finally learned to be a normal human being. For the first time in my young life, I felt like I could fit in with the other boys, the other children, and I learned about God, who Jesus was, and accepted him into my heart as my Lord and savior.

When I went home and told my Dad about how I had accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior, I remember him telling me that they were watering down the truth of God and that what I had experienced and been taught by the nice people at this church wasn’t true. That all I needed to do was believe that Jesus died on the cross of my sins. He told me that I was already more spiritually mature than the other kids at this church because of my time in UBF.

As a little boy, I was crushed, because I felt like I had experienced something good at this new church, and yet my Dad rebuked me for it. Apparently, you can take the shepherd out of UBF, but you can’t take the UBF out of the shepherd.

When I was 12, my Father convinced our family to go back to UBF, because it had “changed.” Looking back now, if what I experience during my teen years was a redeemed version of UBF, I am frightened about what went on before it was reformed. I was prohibited to date, or to even so much as look at a girl. My entire sexual and romantic being was squashed and treated as something to be despised, something evil. Along with this went my self-esteem and sense of self. I am emotionally scarred from this sole experience and to this day am not comfortable with anything relating to romantic relationships or sexuality in general.

We were taught lies. It was demanding of us by our parents and youth leaders that we write and share testimonies every week and there would be guilt and shame delivered unto us if we did not participate. I was made to feel as if the gospel were all about doing random specific things like writing testimonies, studying the bible in a weird specific way, and doing daily bread, etc. When in reality, the gospel is not about what we have to do, but about what Jesus has done for us already on the cross of Calvary

If I had known the history of UBF, that people were subjected to emotionally, physically, and spiritually abusive practices throughout the years, I would have never agreed to go back with my family when I was 12 years old. I was lied to, I was deceived. I was told that things had changed, but the truth is “once a cult, always a cult.” A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.

Until UBF leaders fully renounce and repent of every destructive practice and illegal action that has ever been been committed by UBF members, it was always be a cult, no matter how much things have changed. End of Story.

What I have shared is just the tip of the iceberg as far as things that I have experienced and seen within UBF. I plan on going into more detail in subsequent postings.

Unfortunately I must remain anonymous in order to protect myself, but if you are a second gen who has had a similar traumatic experience, feel free to email me.

Secondgensurvivors @ gmail.com

I used to consider some activities as spiritual (sacred) and others as worldly (secular).

Spiritual. I thought that carrying out 1:1 Bible studies on the UIC campus was the single greatest Christian activity under heaven, and that it gave God ecstatic chills, goose bumps and enthusiastic high-fives among the Three Divine Persons of the Godhead! So for over two decades I averaged ten 1:1 Bible studies a week, while working full time and never missing any UBF evening meetings, which was usually 4-5 every week.

Worldly. Conversely, I thought that going home to visit my aged mother in Malaysia was selfish and family-centered, and that it displeased and grieved God. By visiting mom for even a week, I would not be on campus to focus on the most important task of making disciples among college students (Mt 28:19), which was unthinkable for me.

Breaking my mother’s heart. As a result, I did not go home and visit my parents for over a decade, even though I had promised my mother that I would visit her every year when I left for Chicago in 1980. This broke her heart and brought her to tears on many occasions. She once said to me, “Because of you, I would never become a Christian.” At that time, I chalked it up as a badge of honor, for I was being persecuted as a faithful and committed Christian (2 Tim 3:12; Mt 5:10-12).

Does visiting my mom displease God? A decade ago I began asking myself some questions: “Am I displeasing God by visiting my mom, and not being on the UIC campus feeding sheep every week? Do I become a different person and a less godly person by staying with my mom? Do I love Jesus less, fear God less, and entertain more sinful thoughts in Malaysia, since I am not carrying out 1:1 Bible studies in Chicago? Will the work of God be hindered by my absence at UIC?” For the first two decades of my Christian life I thought it was.

My mom began going to church at age 96. So over the past decade I have visited my mom every year. Earlier this year I had already visited her. But I plan to visit her again in November to attend her 97th birthday. Recently, she told me that she began to attend a Methodist church, which was quite an unexpected pleasant surprise to me.

Unhealthy compartmentalization of what we do. From my experience and based on my reading, it is not helpful, nor prudent, or even biblical to create a sacred-secular divide. Some examples which I have practiced and witnessed:

• Attending a UBF worship service is good, but attending other Christian church services is not good.
• Never miss a Sun service to attend any other “worldly” activity such as family gatherings, or the graduation of a family member or friend.
• Having Bible studies each week is spiritual and better than working full time at your secular job, which is primarily for the purpose of supporting your church and ministry.
• Serving in church is spiritual while serving in non-Christian institutions is not.
• Spending time in the church is more spiritual than hanging out in your home.
• Bible study and discipleship is better than justice and mercy ministry, which is social work and not spiritual.

Though I once practiced such dichotomies, I find them quite disconcerting today. This list can sadly go on and on. But such artificial dichotomies and expressions of our Christianity is pretty ghastly and even unbiblical. Why?

Monotheism. The Shema, which faithful Jews recite every day is Dt 6:4 which proclaims in essence that there is only one God whom we worship with the entirely of our being (Dt 6:5). Jesus regards this as the greatest commandment (Mt 22:37; Mk 12:30). A meaning of monotheism is that the one God is the same God wherever we are and whatever we do. It is the same God whether we are in church, or at home, or at work. It is the same God whether we are with Christians, or with family, or with colleagues at work. It is the same God whether we are at a UBF worship service or some other Christian worship service, or whether I am in Chicago or Malaysia.

Polytheism. If we communicate that doing particular activities is spiritual and others are not, we are in a sense practicing polytheism. In the past, the ancients worshiped a god of agriculture, a god of fertility, a god of health, a god of fortune, etc.

Do you experience or encounter any sacred secular divide in church? If so, are you able to address it and discuss it?

My mother Kathy adopted me in 2001. Her and her husband Norman believed they were called to caring for disadvantaged children after seeing a very poor child at the Illinois State Fair being mistreated by a parent. My brother and I were put into foster care after the state removed us from our mother’s care. At the time the state believed that our biological mother Cathy would never relinquish her parental rights. In 2001 she did and Kathy and Norman adopted us. From the start Kathy was overly protective of us. We had never had our mother advocate for us and if we complained even slightly about being mistreated Kathy our raise hell until things were fixed. She wanted to give us the very best life possible since the first decade of our lives were so miserable by comparison. She was very much a “tiger mom”. She pushed me to do the best I could and I was involved in all the activities I could be in at school. When we were younger this was great but as we got older things rapidly changed.

As I entered high school two significant things happened. First my father Norman died and nearly left us homeless. Secondly my brother began to get in all sorts of legal trouble involving drugs and suicide attempts. My mother felt as though I should become Danny’s father. Not literally, but she believed it was my place to discipline him. I was wise enough to see that such a course of action would destroy my relationship with my brother and declined. As she became more and more restrictive on Danny she refused to stop treating us as children. She became overly controlling. She tried to have me diagnosed as obsessive compulsive because I spent all day reading. She would not give me access to a car until I needed one for a job. She would not get me a cell phone until my brother opened an account on one she couldn’t close. She became controlling about my money; not allowing me access to my funds I earned from work because she felt I would spend it on ‘foolish things’. She would not allow us to grow up. In short because she loved us she was overbearing. People I spoke to could not understand. She became abusive, hitting me when I would not obey her commands. The summer before I went to college was the worst. I called the police on her multiple times. Once she took my wallet and would not return it to keep me at home. In another case she grabbed me and I pulled away and she began slapping me. She would go on to steal thousands from me in government benefits on the basis that I “did not know how to control my money wisely.”

When I went to college I was finally free. I loved my time in college and I soon realized that there was life beyond this life that had come to be so terrible. My childhood had been in poverty with absolute freedom. In my later teenage years I had money but was strictly controlled. In college I had food to eat and the freedom to come and go. Summers were the worst. Every summer she would charge me as much money as she could get away with for rent. One summer that was nearly two thousand dollars. These days I barely have a relationship with her. She has more or less disowned my brother and I and I could care less. The woman who saved me kept me in emotional and financial bondage for years. It is worse with my brother who she had labeled with a mental illness he does not have. He cannot get a drivers license. I know what slavery under the guise of help looks like. Any man, woman, or child who attempts to control me as such invites the wrath of a man who was forged in the fires of oppression.

As I start my graduate study next week I remember leaving for college and how excited I was to be free. “You… were called to be free.” I remember leaving my mother’s house to move to St. Louis and how she did not even wish me good luck or good bye. My point is this. I am sure to many of you Dr. Samuel Lee was a great man who saved you. I am sure to many of you he enslaved you. You can be both. My mother was, and I know that good intentions are the best reasons that people come under the yoke of tyranny.

Love that is conditioned on obedience is not love. For it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Our divorce from ubf

Our divorce is final. No, not from each other, but from ubf! As my wife and I talked during our anniversary trip, I realized that for the first time in 20 years, it was just us two talking. For 19 years, there was always a third person in our marriage, a strange, spiritual ménage-à-trois if you will. When you go through marriage-by-faith at ubf, you don’t just marry another person, you marry the ubf ideology. Your shepherds, your chapter directors and even the General Director become the phantom 3rd wheel in your marriage. Often you don’t even have to check your decisions with your shepherd in person. After you have been conditioned by the 6 stage KOPAHN training, your mind already knows what your shepherd will say, so you and your wife check your decisions with this 3rd wheel in your marriage, often without even visiting your chapter director.

So today I joyfully announce to our ubfriends community that my wife and I are absolutely, permanently and unequivocally divorced from the KOPAHN theological system!

Our erotic getaway

We celebrated our 20th wedding by a honeymoon do-over. We spent a multi-day trip getting to know each other biblically :) We talked for hours on end, played games like Yahtzee, watched movies, went swimming naked, and went out for dinner each night. It was a wonderful time of getting to know my wife. After more than 2 decades of neglecting our marriage, we finally threw off our KOPAHN entanglements. Did I mention we went swimming naked?

At ubf, sex is a taboo of taboo issues. So I want to mention something here briefly. Our anniversary celebration included exploring sex for pleasure, rather than merely a chore that is required to “produce sheep”. I’ll just say that we have opened up a whole new world and leave it at that…

Our 3rd Anniversary

As our regular readers here know, I resigned in a blaze of glory from ubf on July 4th 2011, and shut down Detroit ubf forever. So because I am conditioned to mark the time, I now count the years since that glorious day. Independence Day 2014 marks 3 years of freedom from the muck and mire of KOPAHN theology! And later this week we will celebrate with our larger family back home. We will celebrate not only the freedom of America that was bought with the blood of soldiers, not only the freedom we have in Jesus Christ our Lord that was bought with His blood, but especially the freedom our  family has gained from KOPAHN ideologies that was bought with our blood.

I have been detoxing from our ubf life and finally I feel healthy and renewed, as if poison has been drained out of my blood. I am free. I am happy. And I am discovering my authentic self– the guy who loves the Pittsburgh Steelers, the guy who loves sci-fi fantasy, the guy who loves philosophy, the guy who loves to write books and the amazing, family-centered guy that I need to be and love to be.

So what’s your story? Do you celebrate your wedding anniversary? If so, how will you celebrate?

Love. My dad died two decades ago in the mid-90s. My predominant memory of him is that he loved me dearly. When I was little boy he wrestled and bound me tightly so that I could not extricate myself from him. He released me only when I started crying loudly. He took me weekly to watch movies, especially Westerns. He bought me many toys. Once I wanted a whistle at a store. The seller would blow each whistle to test which whistle sounded the best and the loudest. But because he did this my dad ushered me away. He refused to buy me a whistle that someone else had put their unclean mouth to. This is a seemingly miniscule event. But somehow this is embedded in my memory as a story that my dad loves me and cares for me to the smallest detail.

Disillusion. My dad was my hero. I felt that he was the best, the greatest, the strongest and the most fearless man. But that image took a hit when I was a teenager. He felt numbness in one hand and weakness in one leg. He was diagnosed with cervical spondylosis–a slipped disk in his neck vertebrae. Surgery was recommended. His surgeon was reputed to be excellent. But he was cold, technical and uncompassionate. When he explained the procedure to my dad, he said matter-of-factly, “There is a 1-2% chance that you will become a quadriplegic.” This statement devastated my dad. He became very depressed. He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He threw up. He lost weight. He was overcome by the fear of death. This disillusioned me because I painfully and reluctantly realized that my dad was not as tough and fearless as I thought he should be. It set me on an inner quest to consider why men fear death.

Blessing. My dad’s love for me never ever wavered. As a traditional old-fashioned Chinese man, my dad did not like mixed marriages. He did not like that I, his youngest son, would not be marrying a Chinese girl as he had hoped and expected. He was very disappointed. But because he loved me he gave me his blessing to marry an American woman without any reservation or protest or objection.

Regret. If I have a regret about my dad it is this. When he died of a cerebral hemorrhage from a recurrent subdural hematoma, I did not attend his funeral. I was in the U.S. attending a summer Bible conference when I received the news of his death. I wish I would have gone to his funeral to grieve with my mom and my older brother. But in the 1990s I thought that it would not please God to attend a funeral, since I would have to leave Chicago where I was carrying out many 1:1 Bible studies every week.

My memory of my loving dad moves me to tears. He never ever hurt or wounded me. He loved my mom. He worked hard as a responsible and honorable teacher and principal of a primary school. He is friendly, hospitable and very sociable. He welcomes anyone and everyone without discrimination or prejudice. Being Asian, he never said he loved me, and I also never told my dad that I loved him. But I never ever questioned his love for me. Even after two decades of his passing I still love him and I miss him.

Do you have any stories to share about your dad?

Breaking the yoke of undue religious influence

Undue influence. What does that mean? Why does it become a yoke that is harmful to the human soul? How can someone break free from such a yoke? Such questions deserve much deeper thought, and will become the subject of my future books. In today’s narrative, I aim only to introduce the concept and then tell part of my life story.

Undue influence is influence by which a person is induced to act otherwise than by their own free will or without adequate attention to the consequences. The word “undue” is important in this definition. When some force is undue, that force is unwarranted or inappropriate because it is excessive or disproportionate to the object of that force. Sometimes that force is actually a weak force, like the tether on an adult elephant that had existed since the elephant was young. The power of undue religious influence may not be in its coercion but in its perception. Such influence may be carried out not by actual force, but by perceived force or imagined consequences.

Some undue influence might be easily identifiable because the influence is so over-the-top that no person would accept such influence under normal circumstances. An example of obvious undue influence would be a kidnapping of someone and taking them to a concentration camp. We can rather universally recognize this kind of undue influence as being harmful and wrong. Most undue influence in the religious realm however is more difficult to identify. The influence that one person can handle safely may in fact be undue influence on a different person who cannot handle that kind of influence at that time. Such confusion and subtlety often allows the perpetrators of undue influence to justify their abusive tactics because they can point to some examples of successful transformation due to their influence. In some cases, the influence falls into the blind spot of the perpetrators, so that they don’t even realize they are causing undue influence on someone.

My Unholy Devotion To Religion

After my father’s death, I threw myself into the UBF lifestyle. I adopted Ed and the Korean man as my spiritual fathers. The UBF community became my family. The leaders became my spiritual parents. This meant that I would submit my entire life to being trained by my UBF shepherds. That is the UBF way—every member must have a shepherd. The shepherds are self-appointed and choose the sheep they want. A chance meeting on campus meant that it was God’s divine will that you become the sheep of that person. This shepherd sheep relationship was meant to be lifelong, and would even persist into heaven we thought. So I would be eternally submissive to my UBF shepherd out of a desire to be a preacher for God. This provided me with the safety and security and protection I was looking for. I used the UBF community to replace what I lost in my father and to escape the dark reality of life around me. I hid myself in the UBF ideologies, escaping every minute I could to read the bible and avoid the real world. And so my desire to be a preacher for God was born.
Soon I wrote and shared my UBF life testimony, boldly declaring praise to God for my father who had found salvation in Jesus. And around this time I discovered the deep faith of my grandparents, especially my grandmother. She loved my life testimony. She made several paper copies and mailed them the friends and family all over the country. She also made copies of the video of my sharing and played it for all her friends at church. She told me I should be a preacher someday.

My grandparents became a foundation of Christian faith for me. I have always been encouraged by their faithful, devoted and explicit belief in Jesus and their unconditional love for people. They had opinions about politics, religions and the like, but for them, goodness reigned supreme. My grandma was therefore very concerned about UBF right from the start. She always told me that bible study is good, but too much bible study is like too much salt when you cook. God’s messages are about love. We can’t forget God’s love and we can never forget our family. Looking back I wonder how she and the rest of my family endured my 24 years of UBF life. But their goodness and their love was the buoy that always righted my ship.

New Friends, Bold Decisions, Restored Relationships

The big event of our lives happened in 2011. To make a long story short: We left UBF. This means nothing to most people. Leaving a church? Not a big deal. But leaving UBF is different. It equates to losing your salvation because UBF requires each person to be loyally submitted to a UBF shepherd, usually a Korean. But finally I had enough. I began to fear the bitterness, depression and anger in my soul more than any retribution from God or from UBF shepherds. So I resigned.

We sent shockwaves throughout the 6,000 member organization worldwide. I had not intended to leave UBF. I actually just wanted to find out some answers the problems a dozen or so of my friends in UBF had been confiding in me since moving to Detroit. But I finally had enough of pretending to be a holy soldier. So I sent a report into my shepherd telling him my honest feelings. That didn’t go over so well. Within two hours of receiving my report via email, he called me. I could tell he was angry. He told me any problems in UBF were none of my business. He further said that any spiritual deadness I had been observing was because I was the one who was spiritually dead. As soon as I hung up the phone, I experienced the Holy Spirit come alive in me like never before. I suddenly knew God had a purpose for me: expose the problematic dark side of UBF. I saw clearly that UBF suffered from the same authority-based problems that the Shepherding Movement did in the 1970’s in America. In an instant my mind was released from the bondage of guilt and all the abuses in UBF I had ignored or dismissed came to mind.

I then embarked on an amazing journey of recovery from the controlling, guilt-ridden, shame-soaked life we had lived in UBF. I was done with the holy soldier façade. This journey was not so different from the journey of Pi in the movie “Life of Pi” or Truman in the movie “The Truman Show” or the blind girl in the M. Night Shyamalan movie “The Village”. In fact I began watching many movies, especially children’s movies, because I found so many connections with the characters in the movies, such as Tangled. I felt I was Repunzel being set free from her castle tower! Finally I was at peace.

The most exciting part of this journey for me has been connecting with people at Grace Community Church in Detroit. That first lunch with pastor Bryan was an important reality check for me, one that helped me realize there are many Christians outside UBF (imagine that!). Attending the 6:00 am bible study led by pastor Wayne was eye-opening. It was his “Be Armed” series that corrected a lot of false teaching I had picked up. I realized then that for all my thousands of hours of bible study, I had never learned the basic doctrines of Christianity. Even as I continue go through a transformational paradigm-shift in my faith, those basic doctrines hold true and provide an anchor for my faith.

Pastor Wayne baptized me on April 29, 2012. I had decided to be baptized as a way to confirm that I had left UBF had given my life to be a Christ-follower. I’ll never forget pastor Wayne’s words to me just before going under: “You are now free form the teachings of one man.” Now I’m glad to be part of pastor Wayne’s intercessory prayer team, praying for Renewal Church and his new role there. Grace Community Church became a safe house for me and our family. Pastor Bryan was a God-send to my wife and I. His sermons were so full of love, goodness and humor—and so deeply drawn from the well of grace and love—that each Sunday my soul mended a little more.

My wife and I joined a bible study group with Pastor Bryan. And we were utterly shocked to discover what genuine Christian teaching was all about. We found that we had been taught a Christianized form of Eastern philosophy, which continues to be one of our biggest problems. Through Pastor Bryan’s help and the help of our newfound Christian community, our family is being healed day by day. Now my wife and I are renewing our relationship, going on dates, finding out each other’s character and making up for nearly 20 years of lost time.

I was sad and sorry to hear how Christians treat non-Christians, including their own family. I shared with him how I understand his brother because like his brother I too had behaved similarly toward my own family after I became a Christian. I apologized to him for such unbecoming, unChrist-like, elitist, exclusive, rude and inexcusable behavior by Christians toward non-Christians, which is clearly unbiblical.

I explained to him why I thought Christians behave in such unloving ways. They seem to treat their own non-Christian family the worst. In my opinion, much of it comes from misunderstanding certain verses about a Christian’s “spiritual family” or “church family,” which then causes some Christians to behave as though our birth family is no longer our true family:

* Unless you hate your own family, you cannot be my disciple (Lk 14:26; Mt 10:37).

* Your true spiritual family are those who do God’s will (Mt 12:48-50; Mk 3:34-35).

* Those who leave their human family will be rewarded with eternal life (Mt 19:29; Mk 10:29-30).

* Shake the dust off your feet when someone (including family) rejects the gospel (Mt 10:14; Mk 6:11; Lk 9:5).

When Christians read such verses, they might think that they should be clear with their non-Christian family and friends. I am sorry that I more or less disconnected myself for two decades from my old friends and my family because of my misunderstanding and unbiblical practical application of such verses.

It should be obvious (but obviously it is not!) that when Jesus spoke such verses, he spoke them as the God of love, grace, mercy, kindness, patience, generosity, gentleness, forbearance, etc. There is no justification for using such verses to justify being rude, disrespectful, elitist, exclusive, superior or sanctimonious. Because of his brother’s behavior, my friend said he is agnostic and on the way to being atheist. Yet he is a kind, considerate, well-mannered, helpful, respectful, loving person, seemingly more so than his Christian brother. He also said how much kinder and gentler his Buddhist and non-Christian friends are compared to his brother.

God is the God of all people. Yet, some Christians act as though God is only the God of Christians, or the God who favors their particular brand of Christianity.

What has your experience been? How might we Christians emulate and exemplify the God of love toward all people?

A is for authenticity. I believe that Christy (my wife) and I lived authentically as Christians to the best of our (limited and imperfect) ability (1 Cor 15:10). I was who I am in Christ whether I was in church or at home. My sense of my subjective self was no different in church or at home. As best as I can tell I was not “more holy” at church and “more relaxed” at home. I was and am the exact same sinner saved purely by grace alone–both at church and at home. Once, a teacher asked my son in first grade what three things his dad likes. I thought he would say, “Jesus, Bible study and studying the Bible with others.” Instead, he said, “Football, eating peanuts and my mom.” I was stunned beyond words by his response! But I know he is right. I can only be myself and rely on God’s grace by faith.

B is for beauty (Ps 27:4; Isa 33:17). I know personally and experientially that living as a Christian and a Christ-follower is the best life that anyone can ever live. I wanted my kids to know that my life as a Christian was not a burden, nor an imposition, nor an unwelcomed duty forced upon us. Rather, it was a joy, a privilege and a sheer delight that nothing in the world can compare with. I believe my kids saw that their parents were not forcing it, faking it or fudging it, but that we were truly enjoying our life and thanking God for the life and the grace that God has freely given us through Christ by the work of the Holy Spirit, even though we did not deserve an ounce of the good life that we are living.

C is for constancy in Christ. My constancy in Christ and consciousness of Christ’s presence is God’s mercy and grace to me (Heb 13:5; Dt 31:6; Jer 31:3; Mt 28:20; 2 Tim 4:17). My love for Christ was not different while having fellowship in church, or while having personal devotion and Bible study at home. I pray that my kids do not perceive that I am different in different scenarios or places. They should see, perceive and know that I am the exact same sinner saved by grace everywhere I am (Eph 2:8-9).

C is for confession of sin (Jas 5:16; 1 Jn 1:9; Ps 32:5). I should not hide, evade or make excuses for my sin either in church or at home. I should freely acknowledge and confess my sins before the church and before my kids unashamedly, yet confident of God’s mercy, grace and unconditional love for me. Sam, my oldest son, said, “Whenever I am not sure what to do, I would think about what my dad would do. Then….I would do the opposite!” I praise God and love him for this!

D is for delight (Ps 37:4). I hope that my kids see and know that Christy and I are living a life of love, joy and peace (Gal 5:22-23). Despite our many faults and failings, I hope they know that we bask confidently in the abundance of God’s love poured out on us through Christ and the Spirit (Rom 5:5).

D is for desire. My desire for my kids was not to excel in school, nor to behave in church. My singular desire was that they know Jesus (Phil 3:10) and the love of God through Christ (Jn 3:16). I told them, “I would rather you disobey me as your dad, than to disobey God secretly in your heart.” Perhaps, they don’t remember this. But that was always my heart’s desire.

E is for Ex 20:5, my parenting key verse. It says, “punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.” (1984 NIV. I was relieved that the 2011 NIV says, “the sin of the parents…”) This verse struck fear in my heart. I knew that if God held firmly to this, then all my four kids would be punished for their dad’s sin. I could only cry out for God’s mercy. In the final analysis, if my kids turn out well, it is only God’s doing, God’s grace and God’s mercy. It is clearly not because of their dad, but in spite of him.

As a parent, what are your parenting ABCs? As PKs or if you grew up in a Christian home, what has been your experience?

Dear Cincinnati UBF and all in UBF:

It has been over a year and slowly God has revealed to me the truth about UBF and it’s practices. UBF is abusive to families and to children and to many students in the name of raising disciples and living under the dome of truth. I could write a fifth book about all the abuses that I have personally suffered under you as God’s servant and the bad theology and the anti-family mentality in the framework of UBF. It is hard to see this truth while living under the leadership of UBF but I saw it in Cincinnati and was afraid to speak out because of the control and because I was taught to never forget God’s grace which was more of a control mechanism than a love for God.

God is faithful. He is slowing healing our family and He has delivered all of us in healthy churches where children are not neglected in the excuse of doing ministry and spouses openly show affection to each other and the Bible is not used as a tool just to make people to be committed to UBF and its practices. God delivered me like He did Job after taking everything away from me so that I could finally see the truth. I have my ex-wife to thank for this and my daughters. I have a deep concern for the marriages and families in UBF. There is much pain and abuse in the name of doing God’s work. The abuse is real and I learned it from you as my shepherd. The UBF heritage is not God and there are so many healthy and vibrant churches all around who live in love not judgment and condemnation. God is love. The general atmosphere of UBF is like modern day proud religious leaders who need to repent.

I am currently writing a fifth book to set the record straight and to reveal God’s love and faithfulness. UBF only thinks of UBF not the millions of Christians around the world who are doing great work of God and not lording it over the flock. Once you told me that if I ever left, you would refund every penny I gave for offering in Cincinnati UBF. I feel the money was given to a very unhealthy ministry but I gave it first to God so please keep it. Yes, I met Christ in UBF and I learned the Bible much but the years of abuse and bad teachings under the UBF heritage eroded our family and your example on how to raise families is unacceptable. UBF is broken and many ways unhealthy for students, families, and even in the world. Those who speak out are branded as “evil” or “Satan” workers but in fact they are saving their families from more abuse and they are trying to show prayerful criticism which is healthy for a church if it wants to stop its abuses.

Recently, I learned that Dr. Samuel Lee even encouraged abortions which is wrong and contradicts the gospel of love and family. This mentality has carried over to you. Once you tried to stop me from having 5 children, now I see why because UBF does not believe in big families or even honor families. It is condoned to neglect your children to raise disciples even to this day. Meetings are so rigid and abusive. I remember the day you put pepper and onions in my brother John’s eyes when he did not cry during a testimony and I should have left then but I got so stuck in your way of serving God. This was wrong. My shepherd promised me a new truck on graduation and he never delivered. So many broken promises and I was so in love with God and the Bible that I overlooked these things but when my family was taken from me God opened my eyes. Since we left UBF, our family has been weighed down with much counseling and joining a healthy church has helped us to discover that there is no love in UBF but just unwritten rules left by a dead man, judgment on other Christians, and everyone there seems to be trying to work there way to heaven by numbers and raising disciples that they are truly out of the healthy balanced life of a true Christian. This is not the gospel of love. We have spent over $30,000 in counseling fees getting some assistance from the government. We feel this should be made good to us by UBF.

As far as your life, I do not believe you are healthy spiritually and that you are wrapped up in the UBF system that your prejudices are deep against other Christians and the body of Christ. The day you asked me to leave you said, “They teach bullshit.” As a man of God, I see that UBF needs healing and reform and needs to learn to love: beginning with the family unit and the children. Examine this area because there is a reason why God took us away. Please honor God’s family and don’t make parents guilty because they can’t make it to the meetings or can’t give large offerings. Stop making leaders to abandoned their children to attend all your meetings and to seriously restore the family units in Cincinnati and throughout UBF worldwide. God has made my life a voice of change and growth in UBF rather you like it or not. Stop trying to hide the abuses. You could not handle the truth of what happened to us so you sent me away and told me to keep my mouth shut. Big mistake because the gospel is larger than UBF and the church is wider and higher than the UBF heritage. God has set us on a path of peace and healing and He will finish what He has started and UBF must change. He has blessed me with an amazing new wife in His grace and He never stops working no matter where you end up. God is love.

I pray that you may reexamine your life and practices in light of the gospel and get rid of the abuse that is so much in UBF ministries world wide. I write you today as a voice of deep concern and pray that immediate action will be done for the sake of families. I write this with prayers and tears but deep concern for the families in the UBF system. It is time for UBF to repent and stop burdening those with your rules that you yourselves can’t bear. I pray that this Christmas the families may be honored.

In Christ,

bigbear

Editorial note: Our friend “gc” has been offline for awhile, taking care of his growing family. Congratulations on your new child! Here are some thoughts on families by gc. Please read and respond to his heartelt words. He raises numerous questions that have not been discussed openly in the UBF context. This article provides a nice segue into the next UBF heritage point, “house churches”.

1. Introduction
I was inspired to write this article to bring together a variety of experiences that married couples are confronted with when having a baby in UBF. Of course there is no standard for social behaviour between (chapters/co-workers), but there is a natural interest in the future children. Just as there are many stories from couples there are even more stories from the second gens themselves. My inspiration comes after the birth of my second baby and my interest reflects observations and experiences within three different chapters. There is no opening or conclusion to this article. Hopefully, it can be built and developed by the readers to share a living experiential account of what happened when they began to expand their family by having children.

2. When are you ready for children? How many should you plan to have?
After marriage I did not have any counsel about how many children I should plan to have. I had seen many examples among different families. I had also observed different levels of stress according to native shepherd and missionary. I had no plan in my mind for the number of children, but rather kept in mind the need for properly supporting my family. I grew up in a family of six – that is four children. My wife and I conceived maybe about 5-6 months after we married. In our relationship with each other we were ready to start our family. However, in a practical sense we were not necessarily ready. As a result, we have both been stretched to our limits with even just one child due to our working schedule and the ministry requirements. When we depended on grandparents to help us it has meant sending our daughter to another city for not just one day or weekend but for maybe three weeks to a month at a time.

I have seen a recurring comment whenever the family unit is raised – ministry vs. children (sometimes spouse). In UBF when are you ready to have kids? How many? Since our schedules usually include an average 8 hour working day five days a week, our remaining time is divided between ministry and family (sleeping/not sleeping). In UBF we have many meetings, Sunday worship service and as many Bible studies as we can organize depending on the number of students who agree to study with us. Is it humanly possible to carry out each ‘role’ and ‘hat’ effectively? Assuming we are divided by 3 aspects of our life (family, work and ministry), then we can distribute our focus according to our desires. But not one of these will receive 100% of our attention. So, as a UBF shepherd or missionary – Should you have kids? How many can you manage? How many women are burnt out or depressed? Whose parents assist in raising the children? Does the husband engage in the dirty work of supporting domestic life?

3. Abortion/Birth Control
One topic which has as many interpretations as there are people is abortion and birth control. This reflects both moral and religious values so it is never clear what UBF requires. It is clearly taboo since the elephant in the room has been the history of demanded abortions which has yet to be properly addressed by leadership. But in a different context, what experiences have people had among the chapters? It is a deeply personal aspect of married life, but there are also degrees of interpretation of what birth control means. Could it mean prescribed abstinence as directed by the chapter director or shepherd? Is it abstinence at the discretion of the couple? Could it just simply imply the use of pills and condoms? What are feelings on surgery (vasectomy, tubal ligation and hysterectomy)?

4. Relationships Between Shepherd Family and Senior Leaders
This comment is strictly theoretical in essence, but maybe there are people out there who can contribute and develop it as per experience. The relationships between people in any time and place always affect group dynamics. How does the dynamic in a chapter influence the time of starting a family? Does it even play out as an influence? Is it important at all? What happens socially to a couple that for whatever reason cannot conceive? What emotional and spiritual support is there for a woman who has miscarried? What if a senior family believes that one, two or three children were respectively God’s plan for their family and therefore attempt to apply it to a younger family?

5. Men and Women: What are your roles?
I have had an interesting experience in my married life since I was thrown into my wife’s country without any preparation. In Canada I was responsible to represent my family for any official procedure because my wife was able but shy to use her English. I had lived independently and knew how to cook and bake. I had been meticulous at house-keeping. In general I was used to supporting myself and taking care of domestic concerns. For a Korean woman I was opposite the expectation – that is because I had grown up in a society which demands of men to know all of the above in the name of equality. Any North American woman will observe immediately that the UBF church social order has two influences:
a) Traditional roles as defined by a church doctrine
b) Traditional Korean family roles
In simplicity, that is why most often modern western women would refuse to marry a Korean man in ubf. They do not want to be set back by several decades in their own social construct.

Since being in Korea almost all of my abilities have been silenced because of my natural limitations here, but also because the social structure reinforces my life in such a way. That being said, I have been making efforts to return to my former initiative, but it is not always easy. This of course includes an active interest in the raising of children.

6. The Baby is born – What are the names? Why?
Picking a name is important for anyone. If you are Christian it is important to have vision for yourself and certainly your family. Most times names will be after the biblical narratives. However, sometimes I have seen selection to honour senior leaders. I cannot make a broad statement whereupon a senior leader demanded this, but I have observed apparent voluntary action. I have also observed and experienced absolute freedom from ministry and coworkers in the naming experience. I have a simple view for the naming of children in my family. My wife gives the Korean name and I the non-Korean name. For my daughter, I just simply liked the name. However, my wife dreamt and had a sort of vision when naming her. For our son it was the reverse situation. We both named our children with prayer and vision.

7. Direction from Chapter director?
Has there ever been a case where direction of any kind occurred in the chapter? By direction I mean the hope and vision for any child that is born in that chapter. Do children belong to the family or the chapter? Have they in some way been blessed with certain implications made by a chapter director? Most church tradition initiates newborns with a baptism, but that is not what I mean. Since a member often makes an oath, vow or other such promise then has it ever been practiced on a submissive and unaware baby or child?

8. The Family Unit/The Greater Family Unit/The Ministry Family Unit
For most parents establishing their family is among the most pleasurable events in married life. No matter the struggle or difficulty in raising a family it is an endless reward and experience for our lives on earth. Also, for our own parents or siblings there is much joy in coming together as a big family. We have raised many complaints on several occasions because of misunderstood priorities between family and ministry. Why does UBF implicitly (sometimes explicitly) justify church relationships to become more important than our own family in terms of parents and siblings and also spouse and children? Is there a viable Christian explanation? Where is the boundary between biological families and church families? Who is more important? Why? We all have varying attitudes on this as well as experiences so remember the difference between your ideal and the actual reality.

A Reflection on Genesis 22

When my wife and I were about to face separation, our lives shook. Our marriage shook. But no one asked, “How is your marriage? Are you okay? How can you handle this event?” We had been married less than one year and were expecting a baby. As I participated in UBF ministry activities during the four months that we were separated I told myself it was okay because of Genesis 22 or similar thought control. However, deep in my heart I was torn up because it was not a comparable test of faith. I want to explain best a brief look at Abraham’s test of faith, my family’s personal struggle and the impact of ministry.

As Genesis 22 opens it had already been some time after Isaac had been weaned and Ishmael had been sent away with his mother. Verses 1-2 read, “Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, ‘Abraham!’ ‘Here I am,’ he replied. Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.’”

Typical UBF messages emphasize that Isaac was most precious to Abraham. By interpretation this means that Isaac, God’s promise and blessing to Abraham, was an obstruction (idol) to serve and follow God. (So, the natural action is to remove the idol.) But God was indeed testing Abraham and did not intend to take Isaac, but rather wanted Abraham to demonstrate his love for God. So, Abraham almost sacrificed his son – But he didn’t! Before he could bring the knife down an angel of the Lord stopped him. When Isaac was spared and a ram was to become the offering it revealed God as our provider. But we need to remember that Abraham returned having proven his faith and love for God, while his son Isaac was still under his care. This reveals that Abraham had a lasting encounter with God – a turning point in his faith. Abraham’s obedience helped him to experience God even more. God would not let anything happen to Isaac for the value of life and the promise. So, after leaving Abraham had both his faith in God and his son.

Understanding Our Separation

In my own example I had to let go of my wife – my wife had to let go of me. My wife and I married by faith, but also because we did love each other. Even though we did not know each other at all in any way, God gave us opportunities of our era – internet: fb, skype and email. During our private time no leader or chapter director could prohibit our frequent communication that helped us to later become a solid married couple after marriage. I was not desperate to marry, but was willing to do so in UBF after a lot of personal prayer. This did not happen because of my chapter director and his carrot and stick, but because I believed, trusted and loved God.

Let me explain our crisis: My wife is Korean. During a mad rush to do everything well, effectively and in a timely manner at the time of our marriage I accidently submitted the wrong application for immigration sponsorship into Canada. I will say just one thing, even though this has hurt my family in the short term, I believe that it was God’s grace and will that led us out of an abusive chapter in such a way. When we discovered our situation most of the chapter members were out of the country, leaving just my family and one other member. When I discovered our reality I arranged to meet with an immigration lawyer immediately to see exactly what our options were according to Canadian laws. Did I consult with the chapter director at that time? No, his absence did not help us at all and we also needed to be clear about the facts before we prayed.

Interference From Our Chapter Director

Our main priority was to get my wife out of the country before it could hurt her chances to be accepted as a sponsored immigrant to Canada. We messaged the director and his wife after we could explain the facts about our situation and what options were available. First, the director said we could discuss further once he returned to Canada. (There was no time for discussion, but he wanted to be in control.) Second, both he and his wife encouraged a foolish plan to go into USA and then try to reenter Canada – the theory was to extend possible visiting visa. Our problem was not my wife’s allowance time for being in Canada it was the application forms we had submitted. The Canadian government believed I was in Canada and that my wife was in Korea, but actually we were both in Canada. The government was processing everything for my wife at the embassy in Seoul. Within ten days of discovering our situation and taking the necessary steps to understand our options my wife was back in Korea.

Once everyone had returned to Canada and talked openly about the situation my family became divided property of the chapter. The director did not show concern about what this crisis was doing to my family. All he cared about was his power and authority over the members in his church. My wife became a political object so he could find favour among Korean co-workers in her chapter. He prepared gifts and a card which we were not to have anything to do with accept for delivery. He enforced a prayer meeting for the sending off of my wife the Sunday before she left without our consent or input. His prayer was not about our family – it was about his chapter and how he could maintain power over us. This was one event he could not control. He was not more powerful than immigration Canada. The following Monday my parents and I accompanied my wife to the airport early in the morning. I refused any coworkers to be in attendance.

All during this time my wife had just entered her second trimester for pregnancy. So, in addition to the stress of sponsoring a spouse into Canada, we faced four months separation during her pregnancy. The days leading up to her departure my wife cried and cried. I had gone through a breakdown several years before, so it was naturally difficult for me to do the same in times of intense sorrow and disappointment.

Life in Canada Separated From My Wife

During the four month period there were two aspects that bore heavy on me. First, inside our chapter my prayer topics were given to me. I was told that my wife had to return as soon as possible to Canada for the sake of our chapter. What!?! Nobody had any sense!! A pregnant woman well advanced should not be travelling long distances by air. My wife also had no status in Canada and would be subject to the worst environment along with the baby to be born into. Over and over again, during meetings, daily bread, bible study, Sunday worship and any event which caused us to gather I listened to the prayer that demanded my wife return to Canada. Her return was not about uniting our family, but about maintaining numbers and events in our small chapter. The second aspect that bore heavy on me was during any event which gathered several chapters together. I attended one wedding, the summer conference and also a leaders conference before the school year began. On all occasions I met with people from across Canada and explained our situation without stating the facts about chapter politics. Everyone outside of my chapter said the same thing: Go and teach English in Korea! Be united with your wife, because it is not healthy for you two to be separated like this. When I returned home I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. I asked myself (and God), “Why couldn’t the people in my own chapter think like that? How could I allow myself to get stuck in this bondage to a UBF chapter?”

Well, I took matters into my own hands one evening. After chatting with many Canadian leaders over the period of a couple months I contacted the chapter where my wife had been in USA. Through this communication I could get assistance from Chicago. My director received a call from JJ giving guidance that I go to Korea for a short term period (6 months). This was at least until the processing for immigration could be completed. However, my chapter director wanted me to go only for the delivery of the baby and support my wife in the immediate and then return. He had no choice but to accept that Chicago leaders had stepped in and given a new direction. He still tried to keep his control because a director from a chapter in Korea had just visited Canada and he wanted me to study with that director so to keep his influence over me. (That director is a neighbor to our present UBF chapter.)

When I did leave I had prepared to work as an English teacher in Korea giving me more than a one year contract to fulfill. In addition, my parents were the only ones to see me off at the airport – I threatened my director with the police if he should come near me or my parents while I was away. Since then I have had no active contact with the chapter director except for what he has emailed to me. In fact, he has well hidden that things changed radically after I left.

Our Marriage Defined and Challenged in Korea

There is one more thing that occurred after the birth of our baby. The director’s wife came to Korea without any notice and tried to visit while I was working. She almost got past my wife, but I stood my ground and a fellow co-worker had to meet and send the director’s wife away without even leaving the train station. Let me explain since it was a very difficult action I faced while I was still shaken from the chapter in Canada.

I took a leap of faith and warned my wife that if she kept contact or allowed that woman to come into our home and touch our baby I would leave her and start all over without any conscience of our marriage. While talking with my wife I had even called my mother and told my parents that I would leave my wife and baby if this event occurred. I did all of this by faith, because that family had used, manipulated and bullied us. Did I want to leave my wife and baby? No, but I handled this event as I did to demonstrate what the chapter in Canada had done. During the four months of separation my wife had been in a loving and warm chapter, but I hadn’t and I could not pretend that everything was okay and allow them to exhort power over our family anymore. Forgiveness is in my heart, but that does not mean I will allow myself or my wife and children to suffer any longer.

Closing Comments

In closing there are many co-workers in Canada, USA and Korea whose help I received and for that I am truly thankful and hope that God’s blessings can pour out to them. But there are those in the chapter that I left who still need to be called to account. There are still others who share their condolences, but will do nothing about what has been happening in that chapter or others of its kind. It has almost been two years since I came to Korea and God has taught me that his divine training can be done anywhere, anytime under his authority and by the Holy Spirit. God has also taught me great humility with every step because I had no time to prepare anything, but had to adapt beyond my sense of time and abilities. We still do not have clarity for our situation, but we are taking each day and leaving it to God. That chapter director tried to keep me in Canada without ever suggesting I go to Korea for the remainder of application processing. It is a perfect illustration of an abuse of power.

Some in UBF may ask me, “Why has this been added to the pile of negative reviews?” My answer, “I am adding this here, because if I don’t it will always be left unsaid. When I share my life testimony I must be graceful and encouraging – that means do not say anything that may discourage new comers.”

I was taught this passage from the NIV, which reads:

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

²“I will make you into a great nation,
    and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
    and you will be a blessing.
³ I will bless those who bless you,
    and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
    will be blessed through you. (emphasis mine)

In the Bible study, I was encouraged to respond to God’s call like Abraham did, to leave my connections to my pre-UBF life and go to “…the place [God] will show [me],” which meant UBF ministry and campus mission. If I obeyed, I was told “…all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” When I married, Dr. John Jun delivered our wedding address from Genesis 12:3, exhorting us to be a family of blessing who not merely enjoys God’s blessing but becomes a blessing to others. I was encouraged, “Become a source of blessing to other people like Abraham.” Of course, the best method of being a blessing—we were taught—is to go to the university campus and invite students to 1:1 Bible study, shepherding as many of them as possible so that they too may “become a blessing” by doing the same. The best method of being a blessing certainly did NOT involve much consideration for my own family.

But how correct is our interpretation of Gen 12:3? Did the Bible translation affect the way this verse was interpreted? Consider the way the NASB translates verse 3:

And I will bless those who bless you,
And the one who curses you I will curse.
And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.” (emphasis mine)

Notice that the word translated “people” in the NIV is translated “families” in the NASB. It is also translated “families” in the ESV, NLT, NRSV, and KJV. In fact, among the popular English translations, only the NIV uses the generic word “people” instead the more-specific word “families”. The Hebrew word is mishpachah. It occurs 301 times in the Old Testament, 177 times indicating family or families, 100 times indicating clan, and only 4 times indicating an unspecific group of people. While I don’t pretend to be an expert on Biblical Hebrew or exegesis, isn’t it interesting that the NIV, which is the main-stay English translation of UBF in North America, does not use the word families? Is it merely a coincidence that this arguably most-popular text in UBF avoids the word “family,” preferring to use “people”? Considering the accounts of Chris, big bear, myself, and others of how families in UBF have sometimes been neglected, abused, and disregarded, it begs the questions:

• Does our choice of Bible translation affect the way we interpret certain passages?
• Could the choice of Bible translation contribute to the pressure felt by many present and former UBFers to “…sacrifice family on the altar of UBF campus mission”?

I have added my concerns to the list. Let’s do a reset and try to stay on target this time. What do you think about these concerns? Why or why not are they valid? Why and how will you do things differently in order to prevent the concerns Ben raises?

1. UBF’s glory may be overstated and overemphasized again.
2. Human elements may influence the environment such as pride and competition.
3. The prayer topic for bringing 3,500 people may be burdensome.
4. Mandatory attendance may invade people’s boundaries in an unhealthy manner.
5. The theme and emphasis of every UBF conference is predictably the same: mission.
6. The UBF conference schedule is too hectic for any actual rest.
7. The quality and cost ratio may be out of balance.
8. Conference workers work like slaves and are not appreciated but taken for granted.
9. The message content skips John 17 and may not express the gospel clearly.
10. The conference neglects families by telling families to avoid family registration.
11. All participants will be asked to take the “UBF missionary pledge”.

I thought, wow, what a concept! Christ-followers are happiest and most fruitful and blessed when we recognize the seasons of our life, the seasons of our community and the seasons of our family. As our pastor prayed for each one of us individually and we share our concluding thoughts he asked us: What’s next?  (He also asked us to be on the lookout for anyone who might want to take the class in the fall. I said “Do you have room for 8,000 people? :)

What’s next?

But that question, what’s next? sums up what I learned over the past nine months in this class my wife and I have been attending every Tuesday evening. I’ve learned to pay attention to the Holy Spirit’s promptings and to listen to people around me. At the beginning of the class I told everyone that I viewed myself as an empty shell, hollowed out with nothing inside and no idea of what God would have for me to do. As my wife and I shared our life narrative over the next several months, we shocked, stunned and amazed the other members in the class. But we also were shocked, stunned and amazed at hearing their stories and what their lives entailed.

What’s next for me and my wife? I don’t know exactly. But I do know we are now “filled up and being filled” with love, goodness, kindness, patience and an increased self-esteem and self-awareness. Here are some things I’ve learned that I feel compelled to share with our ubfriends community. I love each of you dearly.

Listen to the Holy Spirit. Yes, the Spirit is alive! Yes, you can listen to Him! And yes, the Spirit is God. What’s next for me? I answered that I will continue to listen and discern the promptings of the Spirit and let Him lead my journey in His way.

Gordon T. Smith articulates this well: “Christians of all traditions are appreciating more and more that the voice of Jesus is also present to the Christian community through the inner witness of the Holy Spirit… This inner witness is always grounded in the written witness of the Spirit–holy Scripture–and it is recognized by those who live in mutual submission within the community of faith. With these two anchors in place, Christians can know and live by the remarkable reality that God speaks to us through his Son, Jesus Christ, and that Jesus is present to us by his Spirit. We hear the voice of Jesus as we attend to the inner witness of the Spirit.”

Listen to your family and community. One of the more intriguing abilities I gained in our class was to begin to learn how to listen to people around me. I had to unlearn my “dictate and command” approach and start to listen to what people say and do. It was fascinating to begin to get to know my wife, and start listening to her, even though we’ve been married 19 years. What is my wife saying to me? What is my family saying? What is my community saying? I’ve learned in a whole new way that our journey of following Christ is not just an individual journey, but a communal journey. Together we go!

This collaborative approach to following Christ is expressed well in the following quotes from one of our lessons: “A collaborative approach seeks to accomplish goals through cooperative interaction and efforts of multiple people. We experience the joy of sharing challenges and victories, often facilitating a gradual move from a “me” mentality to a “we” mentality. Collaboration then puts a high priority upon the importance of building trusting relationships. Nothing can be more corrosive to a community, whether it is a family or team or organization, than distrust… In all of this, intentional communication is a key to nurturing healthy and empowering relationships.”

Listen to your self. Perhaps the most edifying part of the nine month class was for me to begin to know my “self”. I felt like finally, after decades of trying to be somebody else, I could begin to be myself.  Augustine’s prayer about knowing God and knowing self was highlighted in one of the classes, and has impacted me deeply.

This quote by Robert Greenleaf speaks volumes: “I have come to believe that every part of my life affects or influences my life with God. The world I live in, with its beauty and tragedy, with its creatiures of all forms and shapes, is constantly offering me messages about who I am and who God is. Everything and everyone teaches me about God, life, and myself…I try now to approach each person, event, creature with two questions: How are you my teacher? What am I supposed to learn?”

Questions

Yes, some things must come to an end. But every ending leads to a new season, a new beginning, and a new segment of our journey in the Kingdom. I want to conclude with the questions that ended the class. It was so refreshing to end with questions, not with answers! I would love to hear your thoughts. And I’m grateful you’ve all been on this journey with me together!

What have you learned about who God is and what God is like?

What has become clear to you about yourself?

What have you become aware of about who you are and who God is creatively shaping you to be?

What unique calling or purpose is God prompting you to follow?

What is marriage? Marriage is covenant keeping and commitment to Christ. Therefore, it is till death do us part. But the reality is that even as Christians, our marriages may be strongly biased by/based on “Something in the Way She Moves” (George Harrison, The Beatles, 1969), just like non-Christians. Then in the course of time, the song changes to “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’” (The Righteous Brothers, 1964). This may explain why Christians have similar divorce rates as non-Christians in the U.S.

Marriage by faith. I have taught “marriage by faith” for 25 years based on Gen 2:18-25. I coined the triple Ms (MMM): Man, Mission, Marriage by using 1) a negative and 2) a positive illustration: 1) Gen 6:1-6 where godless men married godlessly based on shallow sensual sexuality from one’s outward beauty. 2) Isaac’s “marriage by faith” with Rebekah in Gen 24:1-67. Though this “teaching” is not unbiblical, it is not the intent of the author to encourage Christians to marry like Isaac and Rebekah. To do so would be an incorrect or improper exegesis leading to a forced hermeneutics, which amounts to eisogesis. D. A. Carson, Professor of the NT at Trinity, said, “A text without a context is a pretext for a proof text.” (Enjoy!) This is what churches through out history, including ours, have been guilty of, often without realizing it. What then is the meaning of marriage? How should we Christians view marriage?

MMM to CCC. To answer this question in a short essay would be impossible. But may I propose and suggest that according to the Bible, “Marriage is primarily Covenant keeping and Commitment to Christ.” (If you like to add another “C” it would be “Marriage is Covenant keeping and Commitment and Conformity to Christ.”) I got these words and phrases from John Piper. So I will change MMM to CCC. What does this mean?

God’s Utmost Love for Us is Expressed Through a Happy Marriage. Without quoting biblical references I will attempt to explain what I believe is God’s ultimate purpose for marriage. It is primarily to help us realize God’s utmost love for us through our marriage. To those who have a good long lasting happy marriage, you know that your happiness with one another is just a foretaste and a shadow of our ultimate marriage with Christ, which will be fully realized when he comes again. When we flop into the arms of our spouse and lover in ecstasy, it will not even compare to flopping into the arms of Christ when Jesus returns. When we look into the loving eyes of our spouse, it is just a reminder of that day when we will see Jesus face to face with him loving us with the deepest and fondest of affection. A Christian’s genuinely happy marriage shows the whole world that what God truly wants for man is our ultimate happiness, which will be perfectly fulfilled and fully realized at the Second Coming. In the meantime, a happy Christian marriage is a sign to the world and to the happy Christian couple that God’s love for us is immensely great.

God Redeems Marriage and Love Through Christ. Previously, I explained how in UBF we have tended to emphasize that Man Equals Mission. Though it is true that God created man and even marriage for mission, it is really not the primary purpose for creating man. God created man primarily to enjoy the love of God and the love of one another. This is what Jesus said (Matt 22:37-39). But we failed to love God and others/our own spouses, because of our sins of selfishness and self-centeredness, even as Christians. Only a restored and ongoing relationship with the Father, through his Son, by the work of the Spirit, are we able to love God and others. Thus, a loving and happy husband wife relationship and friendship can only be accomplished through the redeeming work of Christ on the cross. (Thus, “unhappy Christian marriages,” which is an oxymoron, occur when Christ is not central in the marriage or in their relationship.)

Commit to our Covenant with Christ by Committing to Marriage. Therefore, each individual Christian’s committed covenant keeping with Christ is absolutely foundational to a happy marriage. If Jesus’ love for me does not move my heart to tears and thanksgiving, I will not be able to love my wife (not to mention others) in a way that will build her up and sanctify her and make her more and more beautiful and glorious (Eph 5:25-27). When I sacrificially love, protect, provide for and treasure my wife (even imperfectly) as Christ loved the church (perfectly), I will begin to fulfill my mission as a man, a husband, a father and a steward of the world by displaying the love and glory of Christ through my marriage and my family. That is why the Apostle Paul’s requirement for elders and leaders in the church is how well they are managing their own family and household (1 Tim 3:4-5; Tit 1:6).

Would you teach marriage as covenant keeping and commitment to Christ? Should we emphasize that marriage is for mission, which Bible commentators do not do?

Amy Chua, a professor at Yale University and mother of two daughters, ignited a firestorm with her opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.” Chua uses the term “Chinese mothers” to describe an ultra-strict parenting style which is prevalent among Asian-American immigrants. She described how she never allows her daughters to attend sleepovers, have playdates with other children, watch TV or play computer games. She does not allow them to get any grade less than an A. She expects them to be the number 1 student in every class, except gym and drama. She forces them — using physical restraint if necessary — to put in long hours of practicing piano and violin. Any sign of disrespect toward their parents is met with swift and severe punishment. She described how her own father once became angry at her and called her “garbage” in his Chinese dialect, and she has done this to her own daughters as well. While western parents are horrified by this, thinking that it damages the child’s self-esteem, she believes that it can be healthy, productive and useful. She regards this parenting style as superior because it leads to achievement and success, ultimately allowing the children to experience the joys of accomplishment. She defends her practices as an expression of motherly love.

As I was reading Chua’s essay, this is what went through my head.

1. She’s got to be joking. This piece is tongue-in-cheek.
2. No, she’s serious.
3. She believes what she’s saying, but only to a degree; the piece is full of comic exaggeration.
4. No, she’s completely serious. Lord have mercy!

Later I discovered that the truth is closer to #3. It seems that Chua was exaggerating. It wasn’t really comic exaggeration, because she appears to have little or no sense of humor. But she intentionally crafted the piece to be controversial, because she was hoping to generate publicity for her new book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which was going to be released a few days later. Her plan worked. The internet lit up with chatter about Chua’s piece, and heated discussions are continuing today.

Here is my own take on it. I think Chua is being disingenuous when she claims that this parenting style is motivated by pure, selfless love for her daughters. Surely it has something to do with the her desire to avoid shame and bring honor to the family. And I didn’t buy her view of what a successful person is. One doesn’t need to be a doctor, a professor, or a famous concert pianist to live a happy and fruitful life. Achievement is good, but at what cost? It will be very hard to convince me that this kind of parenting does not do psychological damage and impair the children’s ability to have loving relationships with other people and with God.

Sharon and I have four children — two of whom have significant learning disabilities — and we do not apply these kinds of practices in our home. Our parenting style is much, much looser. Undisciplined and chaotic, some would say. And we can’t help but wonder. “Are we doing something wrong? Shouldn’t we be getting tough and pushing our kids more?” We live in a university town that is full of high-achieving youngsters. We serve in a ministry filled with high-achieving second gens. It’s impossible not to compare our children to them and agonize over whether we are doing a good job.

Later I ran across a wonderful series of articles on this by a Christian blogger named Tim Dalrymple. He seems to know what he is talking about, because he married into an Asian family and has for many years been deeply involved with Asian-American Christian ministries. (And, I found out, he has a small UBF connection: He was a college friend of Dr. John Yoon of University of Chicago.) Tim unpacks and analyzes Chua’s article from many different angles. He talks about what western and Asian parents can learn from one another. He makes many valuable observations, too many to mention here. But after reading his posts, I felt much better about what has gone on in the Schafer household. I received much comfort and food for thought. And I learned something about how parenting style can help children experience the gospel of grace.

I’m sure that many of you have encountered this debate over Tiger Moms and the alleged superiority/inferiority of that strict parenting style. What were your reactions? What are you thinking now?