MJ, that also makes me very sad.

This chapter director is held up as an exemplary leader, someone who loves people oh so much because he sacrifices oh so much and works oh so hard to serve people and teach the Bible and prepare Sunday messages blah blah blah.

But when someone voices an opinion that makes him uncomfortable, he cannot bear to listen, and just closes his ears and laughs it off.

No doubt, he expects everyone to listen attentively to him when he delivers 40 minute Sunday messages and gives the announcements, even when its uncomfortable. But he cannot do the same in return.

The primal act of love is not teaching the Bible. The primal act of love is listening. Even (especially) when it hurts.

When people leave UBF saying “there is no love here,” this is what they mean. They may have been served a lot, on the missionaries’ terms, but they have never actually been heard. That is not love.

Forests, that makes me very sad.

UBF leaders can make all the changes that they want. They can implement everything that you have suggested. But if they refuse to listen to you (and only take the advice when they hear it from their precious missionary coworkers or their oh-so-precious children) then nothing has been gained.

In the end, God is not going to judge UBF’s leaders on the correctness of their procedures. He is going to judge them on how they treated the people in their midst.

This has never been about policy. It has always been about people.

For example, in my chapter the use of the term “fishing” has vanished. It has been replaced with “outreach”. The term “sheep” has went away mostly (its still used in messages and such). The title “shepherd” has went away as well. On top of that missionaries take English classes to learn English better and they refrain for insisting on speaking Korean only when I am around. Although I have been deemed rebellious and therefore have nothing of use to say (in many missionaries minds), I find that certain people see the very problems I see and they are more respected than me. With the right amount of finesse they can make the changes I no longer can.

When I first started commenting on ubfriends my ex-chapter director found out and ridiculed me for it. It was ironic because he read my comment, but he didn’t “read” it. He didn’t take it at face value; he just laughed at it. Anyways, it’s vital to discuss difficult topics. Sometimes Christians have questions/doubts about the status quo, but they are not allowed to voice them, for fear of being deemed a heretic. But I think doubts can be healthy. I believe that God gave us a mind to use it.

But you and Ben are correct: there is a wide gap between people like me and the Korean ubfers. I say thank God for that. I never want to be around such arrogant, deceptive, manipulative people ever again. I want them out of my life for the rest of my life. I don’t want to associate with people who know about sexual abuse and don’t report it and instead promote the abuser. I don’t want to be around people who have no pain of conscience about violating laws and intruding into people’s lives and spiritually abusing them with spiritual order.

While there are readers of this site involved with UBF, if they are anything like me they are reading individually but without the intent to engage their own UBF communities about these discussions. I would even venture to assume that most of the readers–myself included–are at a stage where they would prefer to keep quiet or leave the ministry rather than to bring up these matters and risk backlash.

Indeed, the site reaches many people but I’m afraid that the overall effect may be that the content does not actually impact UBF chapters. Effectively, there is a gap between UBFriends and UBF itself, and that gap is perpetuated by the inability, self-rooted or systemic, to open up real meaningful dialogue in the community. I know from the visitor maps that several other people in my area visit this site regularly, but yet there is no discussion where I am.

The topic of opening dialogue and approaching local directors and community members about these issues is one on which I want to write an article, unless someone else beats me to it. It is an important matter.

Ben, I’m not sure what you mean. There are lots of UBF members around the world who pay attention to this website. There are probably more UBF members than nonmembers who read UBFriends. The vast majority do not participate in the online discussions. Perhaps they disagree with some of the views expressed here. (So do I.) But they profit from this website, because they keep coming back. Our readership has been growing, not shrinking. Here they get information that they cannot find anywhere else.

And yes, there are many UBF leaders who never read anything on this website. There is a gap that cannot be bridged. But be honest. Do these people have non superficial relationships — the kind where they can discuss tough issues about faith and ministry — with ANYONE outside of UBF? As far as I can tell, they do not. (Some of them are involved in KIMNET, which appears to be nothing but as a bunch of old Korean men heaping praise and honor and awards on one another. No one in KIMNET would ever ask them tough questions or challenge them on anything.) On the rare occasions where UBF leaders attend nonUBF functions, they huddle together and don’t network at all, because they believe they don’t have anything to learn. They are glad to gather endorsements from outsiders, but they don’t want any real help or advice from anyone outside of their tiny tribe.

So when you say that there is an unbridgeable gap between UBFriends and UBF, I see that as a red herring. The unbridgeable gap is between those hardcore UBF leaders and everyone else in the entire world, except for their tiny circle of subordinates who will humor them and bow down to them until the day they die.

If that is what people hear from me, then we have a misunderstanding. I’ve never believed that and I have rarely ever said that or wrote that. Every single action I’ve taken, including my resignation, has been because I believe there IS hope to change.

Can UBF keep UBFism and still change? Now to that I say a hearty no way. But the organization can surely get better.

Change involves stopping things that are bad and harmful. UBFism is to be rejected if there is to be any actual change. Is that possible? Yes, I have always believed that is possible, and Westloop is the best example.

Does that mean I will ever form a relationship with ubf people? No, there is no requirement for that to happen.

What is more, my new book is entirely about change. It is about ending the denial and regaining a healthy identity.

I’m trying to understand what you are saying here. You mention many constructs: honesty, criticism, cynicism, doubt, judgmentalism, arrogance, and authenticy. You mention your encounter with a person intent on correcting you with their pre-conceived ideas. And then also you mention the retirement of Late Night TV show hosts in the US. Two times you point out that you are not calling anyone cynical. That’s a lot to take in. I can’t process all that right now, as I have so many reactions to every topic you present.

The main thing I am trying to understand here is your definitions you quote from the referenced blog article. Are you saying that both criticism and cynicism is defined by doubt?

This doesn’t quite make sense to me. Cynicism is defined as “a faultfinding captious critic; especially: one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest”. In cartoon characters, we are talking about Garfield and Squidward, two eternal cynics. How does doubt come into play?

I find it helpful when talking about these things to go beyond the dichotomy. If I understand what you are trying to say here, it would seem the idealist says the glass is half full, the critic says the glass is half empty and the cynic says the glass has beer in it.

So while I’m confused by all the topics presented here, I find it very helpful to recall George Carlin’s quote: “Behind every cynic is a disappointed idealist.” This is very relevant to the ubf context. So in spite of you saying you are not calling anyone a cynic, I volunteer my cynic card. I am indeed cynical. It is rather obvious that many former members have a touch (or more than a touch) of cynicism. That’s not bad necessarily, it just is the effect of having believed so strongly in the idealism called UBFism.

So yes, we are cynical at times here. That is an honest assessment. As with almost every human trait, being cynical is not bad. It can be a breathe of fresh air. Being eternally cynical to the point you become jaded, that could be judged as unhealthy. Sometimes we are critical, sometimes cynical, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes happy– we are all a complicated mess of emotions.

In my opinion, the worst of UBF says, “UBFriends is an instrument of the devil. All those who left UBF and are criticizing UBF on UBFriends are unthankful, ungrateful, bitter, Satan, not preaching the gospel, etc.”

Perhaps, the worst of UBFriends might say, “UBF has no hope to ever change, because they continue to insist on UBF being right even after 50 years of countless people leaving and castigating the same authoritarian abuses again and again.”

Can both sides be gentler, kinder and tone down the rhetoric, both publicly and especially privately?