Mark, the Toledo ubf stories are already forgotten and the things that happened are spun into glory-stories, as we can see in the begging for money letter.

It seems that 11 families didn’t want to be Christ-governed Bible-centered mission-oriented godly Christians and a blessing to others, even after many “rich and inspiring” Sunday messages.

Toledo ubf begging for money

At least they admit the 50% decline in LONG TIME leaders: 22 families have dwindled to 11 families.

How about those “rich and inspiring” Sunday messages? Those ought to inspire lots of money…

The Walker

In regard to Ben, I won’t speak for him but I will vouche that Ben is a changed man. His chapter, West Loop, is one of only 2 ubf chapters that I call “redeemed ubf”.

Ben has already made several confession statements here, publicly repenting of his sin and making a public confession.

Since resigning from ubf, I have visited WestLoop church and worshipped with them. Ben and WestLoop has shed the ubf heritage junk and are a Christian ministry.

I will never trust a ubf person again the rest of my life, but I trust Ben Toh and what has happened at WestLoop church.

In regard to your thoughts on ex-ubf concerns, you are spot-on. It’s been said so many times in so many ways the past 53 years in each of the 4 crisis/reform movements. Here is a quote from my Open Letter to UBF Members in 2012.

“Demand #1 – Admit abuse.

Publicly and internally end the denial and admit the reality, facing the fact that UBF shepherding has created an environment that has led to many instances of abuse, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse and emotional abuse.

Demand #2 – Release the bonds.

Publicly and internally announce that all UBF shepherd/sheep relationships are now dissolved– any remaining study relationships are now voluntary, not required of every member, no longer binding for life, secondary to the Holy Spirit’s work, and at the discretion and choice of the “sheep”.”

Generally speaking, this article points out the central point of all former UBF people –
Still to this day, the UBF has shown absolutely no accountability for what it has done, specifically recognized exactly the mistakes that occurred, and how they can be improved or will be improved. What I am saying is that there is nothing genuine about the apologies given out. They sound like Damage control PR during a presidential election.

Thus, EX Ubers are continually driven because although their wounds will heal, they know this will continue to happen to others.

These two points/concepts are the only remaining issues. It has nothing to do with pointing fingers or quoting passages etc. It’s about the fact that a lot of negligence was shown by the UBF, people were hurt, yet they still can’t even genuinely and concisely admit their wrong, apologize sincerely, and detail how things will improve.

That being said, I asked Ben Toh on a previous article about if he responded anywhere online to some of the allegations (that are discussed on many other forums) against him of being an abusive and manipulative leader as well. Obviously I just posted the question so I’m sure he will respond soon. During that time however, I actually found the forums where he responded and I found his responses very interesting and relate able to not only my previous point, but the entire article above.

These allegations made against Ben Toh are extremely specific and detailed; not to mention pretty gross and horrible. Due to this, I was surprised to find that in all of Ben Toh’s responses he NOT ONCE ever DENIED OR TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY for any of the serious accusations made against him.

I don’t know Ben Toh personally and I am not trying to attack him. I am however bringing up a very serious topic because although a small example, it embodies as a whole why people still have issue with the UBF.

Ben Toh, all of your responses were answered with either the
1) “I don’t remember or recall” but it seems you are really hurt so I’m sorry for anything I’ve done line

2) Deviated away from the basic question and accusation by quoting bible versus or using the whole “cast not the first stone..” proverb

I understand you said something along the lines of I don’t exactly remember, but these ARE NOT general & vague accusations against you. These are very specific and Serious claims they are making about you. So serious that a response of I don’t remember makes no sense at all.

My point is that you literally did exactly what This “Toledo Part 3” article is about. You took no accountability for anything (didn’t even address whether the allegations were true or not), gave a general and vague semi-apology, and completely danced around their simple question and point.

I’ve noticed you and many others post statements about “beating a dead horse” and why can’t we focus on moving on in love etc.

Well the answer to your question is very simple. If you just clarify your specific stance on the merit of the accusations, why someone would post them, and show genuine accountability and remorse if you were wrong.

That is why this UBF stuff is still going on and will forever go on.

Some of the accusations against you – “spreading rumors of him with prostitutes” or “intentionally trying to cause a divorce between a couple”

I would imagine that a normal man with basic morals and integrity, let alone a church leader like you, would want to make very clear the validity of these types of serious accusations.

Responding with “I don’t remember” after being accused of something like that is similar to pleading “No Contest” in court. AKA – I’m guilty but I don’t want to say it or have it documented.

Faith is important, but so is common sense.

I am very very interested in your response to these specific allegations and their merit.

IN reference, here is the link http://johnharmstrong.com/?p=1888

However #11. on their list should obviously say…
11. We ALWAYS DISPARAGED THE RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATIONS OF ANYONE THAT LEFT

LOL

Toledo UBF…it was only a matter of time. Since they sent these 3 years later, maybe it’s fitting while I’m in town to stop and communicate/share my concerns from 14 years ago, eh?

However, from a former member perspective, both letters “read the same” and come across as essentially “yea we’re bad but we fulfilled the dream.”

The last sentence would tick me off if I were a former member of ICoc:

“Through deep forgiveness and repentance, may God shine his Grace upon all of us. Let future members of the Detroit Church of Christ look back and say that the church was a dream fulfilled for its pioneering disciples in 2003.”

I would be surprised if this letter did any good. It seems to vague to be meaningful. The only real difference I see between the two letters is one uses ICoC-speak and the other ubf-speak.

http://www.toledoblade.com/Religion/2013/12/07/Yoga-Nothing-to-fear.html

Ben,

I do not speak on behalf of myself only. I am compelled to speak up for the thousands of young people who have been hurt by the abusive practices of shepherding ideology in ubf. And I must speak up for the 20 or so young men and women in ubf who have contacted me asking for help in dealing with their situation within ubf.

So I understand that my words and actions often come across as strange and confusing. I am representing not only me and my family, but many other people. I will live with the misunderstandings. I won’t stop speaking up for the “sheep” and for families.

And ultimately I am submitting to the voice of God as He continues to guide me through my role in all this (sorry for the God-speak Nick!). Some of the things I’ve said and done will only make sense in the future and in the broader context of ubf worldwide.

Hi Martha,

If you examine the reasons you left Toledo ubf and the broader context of the ubf worldwide situation, you should be able to see why I changed my mind. Yes there is a general call for Christians, but we each must follow God’s voice.

Although I do accept the 11 admissions as an apology, I reject the rest of the letter and do not consider the letter to be a step toward reconciliation. Ben and Joe and Chris and others have explained why quite well in the comments here.

I understand that the letter was an organizational step taken by the current leaders on behalf of Toledo UBF. There is such a thing as corporate sin, and organizations have a role in helping to right wrongs.

And, as you pointed out, individuals need to do the right thing and take the initiative to apologize and reconcile with those whom they have hurt. At the end of the day, all hurts are personal.

The Toledo letter might prove to be one step along the way to personal reconciliation. As this plays out, perhaps the letter will help to create an environment for the previous pastor to come to terms with what he has done and take responsibility for it.

And perhaps the current leaders, based on the reactions to the letter that they are receiving, are learning some valuable lessons.

But if the letter is seen as the final solution — if people say that the matter over and done with, and it’s time to move on — then in my opinion, the letter has accomplished very little.

I can’t speak for Brian, but I understand to some degree what he has been through for 24 years (and counting). Yes, I may think it is better for him or anyone else to continually seek out reconciliation no matter the frustration, agony and cost, yet all of us are different. Yet, all of our experiences, and all of our response to those experiences are vastly different.

Just as certain offending UBF leaders are just simply unable to apologize with genuine brokenness of heart, there are surely those who have been so wounded and humiliated by those abusive leaders that there comes a point where they just do not want to have anything else to do with such BS–which incidentally is not Bible Study (pardon my French!).

I believe that this was not meant to be a personal apology letter, but an apology letter from the church(Toledo UBF) as a whole regarding the past skewed theology/system/practices that we were operating under. This letter was from the “new” leadership taking the time to really dig deeper and see what went wrong and why. I was there for a few heated discussions. Do I believe that they get it? Some do. I believe God is working to(slowly) unbind people’s hearts and minds. I believe in an on going sanctification work of the Holy Spirit in their hearts. I believe this letter was a baby step towards reconcilitation.

Of course i also believe that there should be a personal apology letter from the “old leader” to those that were effected under his leadership, especially since he is still considered a leader in general UBF. But a personal “I am sorry, for what I have done” is personal between those personally affected and the responsible party and God. I dont think that it is the place of the church as a whole.

There are a few things that are quite confusing to me. As Christians we are called to love one another. But what i find quite disturbing is what Brian just did, he changed his mind about wanting to be contacted or wanting anything to do with reconciliation. This truly baffles my mind. Talk is cheap, just like “God speak” is cheap unless it is genuine and lived out.

Reconciliation is the most amazing work that happens in humans when God is involved. I believe that this is the heart of God, to bring ugly,broken, tarnished, wounded relationships to a place of peace, a place of forgiveness, a place of healing and restoration. This does not always lead to friendship but a much needed restoration as human beings

These are just my thoughts for now. For those of you who do not know, Mark and I left Toledo UBF a few weeks ago.

That’s another reason why the letter is so problematic. They say, “We take responsibility for our past practices…” but the one person who is primarily responsible isn’t taking any responsibility.

The reason is that the name of the primary offender and perpetrator of the 11 unhealthy practices in Toledo UBF is notably absent.

Shouldn’t it be him who sincerely and humbly apologizes and who takes primary responsibility for the wrongdoings that occurred in Toledo UBF for over two decades?

“Sure, there is personal responsibility with everyone, but the real problem is the evil and hazardous core inherent in UBF ideology, that made UBF leaders usurp God’s place and made everyone a slave of that system instead of free children of God. What they really should ask themselves is why they followed these “bad practices”. Was it their own idea? Or was it a mindset that was forced unto them by cult methods? Once they start to see it and free themselves from this mindset, they will able to apologize and tackle problems appropriately.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/11/14/what-happened-in-toledo-ubf-part-3/#comment-11492

“It is as if there is some ideological/theological entrenchment that they cannot abandon. They can’t talk to me as a person and can’t stop using “spiritual speak” (This is my new term for putting spiritual spin on everything that somehow hinders communication as people) I can’t put my finger on it and would love if anyone else has some insight. It seems like this is a good forum for this question.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/11/14/what-happened-in-toledo-ubf-part-3/#sthash.72l1RONL.dpuf

I think what you said in person is correct: the issue is authority. This letter was for them, not for us. It was about what they have done and how they need to move on. They invited anyone to meet who “needs closure”. As we discussed, we former members don’t need closure. The matter was closed years ago for us. That’s why we left in fact.

We reject any and all authority ubf has in our lives. And this letter just re-opens all those authority issues, and comes across as yet another attempt to get us to submit to their authority. It seems they need us to accept their authority for them to have closure. I do not like all this “us” and “them” talk, but the fact is we won’t acknowledge their authority in any sense. ubf shepherds and missionaries have zero authority of any kind in my book.

An authoritarian church is an ideal playground and attraction pole for two kinds of people, those who are alpha dogs, narcissists, avid for power, who never feel guilty, and those who are the opposite, with low self-esteem, who are faithful, yet always feel guilty, who cannot make decisions and always seek guidance and affirmation and relief from their feelings of guilt. The first kind of people becomes the leaders, and the second kind becomes the rank and file who happily submit. The church is then their playground where they can live out their personality type in ways they could not do in real life because that extreme kind of authority and submission interfering even into questions of marriage does not exist even in companies with power hungry bosses. Both get what they want: The alpha dogs can bully people around, and the scrupulous people simplify their lives by getting rid of the need for making decisions, they only need to obey and they feel assured they did everything alright. Sounds like a win-win, like these two kinds of people form a kind of symbiosis. But the problem is that each side exacerbates the psychological defects of the other side, creating an unhealthy environment that spoils everyone living in it, instead of helping both sides to grow: The power-hungry kind of people do not learn humility, respect of others, tolerance, and the submissive kind of people do not learn independence, integrity, self-assurance, decision making and daringness.

http://www.visionforumministries.org/issues/news_and_reports/clarification_on_resignation.aspx

Yes good point. And likewise, for me and us exubfers, even if the letter contains offensive statements and was not an act that communicates love and trust and honesty, we should search our own hearts and accept the 11 admissions of unhealthy practices.

In my mind the issue is both the public posting and the face to face meetings (notice the plural meetings), though they shouldn’t be mutually exclusive in my mind. In fact maybe that is a good first topic for in person discussion: What value is there in posting the 11 admissions publicly?

So I wonder how the conversations went in the leadership council meetings in Toledo… did they actually say “You know what BrianK needs? He really needs an informal form letter. I bet he and his wife would be so happy to get a letter that informs them of all the good things we’ve been doing. I don’t think he knows what’s happened here in Toledo so we had better tell him. And let’s put Luke 18:13 on the top of the letter to show that we are such humble sinners. I think he would like that verse and if he doesn’t well I guess he really has lost his faith. And since we’ve been talking about this letter for almost 3 years, let’s hurry up and get it out pronto! In fact we must mail this letter tomorrow, and because we must mail this so fast we don’t have time to sign our names. And even though some of our leaders reject this idea, let’s send the letter anyway. I think Brain and Mary won’t mind the fact that some of our leaders completely disagree with this letter. But that’s ok, they’ll come around later. Oh and one more thing, what is their address? Someone needs to find that out right away.”

Joe, now you are getting to the heart of what I’m trying to articulate. If this form letter which claims to be a public apology had been published publicly then I would see it having a better effect. How hard is it to understand that PUBLIC apologies should be sent PUBLICLY. And PRIVATE apologies should be PERSONAL and PRIVATE.

So by sending me a standard form letter privately, you automatically communicate to me that you are attempting to manipulate the situation for your own causes, whatever that may be.

So as Joe mentioned elsewhere, it is the actions that speak to me. My family has heard ENOUGH words. Show me the money! Show me some action that communicates love and trust and honesty.

Because frankly at this point, even a mountain of words from ubf people sound like bullshit to me, that is if bullshit made a sound.

Now that I agree with.

I’ll give you that they could have spelled your name correctly, but please, now we are talking about “the letter should have been personalized?!” The letter is not an attempt to reconcile, but rather the beginning of this process. I was in favor of the form letter, not because I felt it was going to reconcile, but because I viewed it as the beginning of this process. God willing, 12 months from now, we will be in a different place, and we will say, it started with that stupid form letter, but thank God for that letter. There have been many ugly steps over the past three years, but they are steps nonetheless.

But still I do not consider a form letter to be an act toward reconciliation. Why did we all get the same letter? Reconciliation is not “en masse” but personal. Now if the letter had been a personal letter or even a letter that was personally signed, that would have made a world of difference.

The impersonal form letter makes me feel like Nick.. what can I do to make ubfers stop contacting me? When I first received the letter and we discussed it, I initially felt like this: Treat me as a human being or don’t contact me.

Then Brian, why did they send out the letter? Was it three years too late? A lot went on during those three years. A lot has gone on in the past year to get to this point of us now talking about a letter sent out by Toledo UBF recognizing wrongs. They can’t handle reconciliation work any more than I can handle being called out by my wife. It may look ugly, but we are all learning and where we are today is a far different place then where we were three years ago.

That’s good Joe. I just want to say yes I see a similar pattern, yes I accept the 11 admissions in the letter, yes I’m willing to meet in some sort of forum.

But no, I will not rebuild any kind of friendship with most of them nor just about anyone in ubf. I cannot allow any form of the shepherding ideology back into my live again, nor will I allow shepherding ideology into my family’s life. I must now protect them from such entrapment. And no, I won’t answer anyone who calls me and introduces themselves as “shepherd” or “missionary”. And no I don’t want to talk to bible counselors.

I am not for God-speak, but I can say from my experience over the last year that dialogue in Toledo UBF is becoming more open and honest. – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/11/14/what-happened-in-toledo-ubf-part-3/#comment-11434

I agree with that. As far as I can tell, Toledo UBFers are in the process of becoming more open and honest. And in a limited capacity, some at headquarters are doing so as well. They –actually, I should say “we”, because the condition has long affected me as well — are engaged in a process of becoming more human.

This doesn’t mean that the organization can be rescued from its downward spiral anytime soon. It doesn’t mean that the community will realize its problems and stop disintegrating and come to a rich understanding of the Christian gospel. But on a personal level, I have seen many signs of people starting to awaken to who they really are. And as they do, they experience rebuke, rejection and marginalization by the community to which they gave so much. It’s been painful to watch this happen over and over to so many people. As they awaken to who they are, the community perceives them as a threat and pushes them out or makes them irrelevant. That process cannot go on forever because, sooner or later, there will be no one left to run the show except the most hardened, unhealthy and unrepentant.

“…saying “I’m sorry” should be genuine. Once someone said “I’m sorry” to me. But after that “apology” I felt 10 times worse. As I wondered why, I think the reason is that the apology was done dutifully, formally and correctly, but I did not perceive that it was truly genuine and with brokenness of heart. In fact, I felt that the apology was given with reluctance and with defensiveness. Silence and a refusal to apologize would have truly been much preferred than such an “apology.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/04/16/saying-im-sorry/#sthash.wOKpQeVi.dpuf

I think that this Toledo apology is more genuine than the one I experienced. Yet, the most difficult to express in an apology is a true brokenness of heart for the bad that was done.

In my opinion, UBF leadership has the hardest time to expresses brokenness, weakness and vulnerability, because for 50 years and counting UBF leadership has always led from the top, calling the shots, dictating directives, and controlling the process. Such an attitude will NEVER EVER WORK with any apology.

I started asking those kinds of questions sometime around 2010, when our family hit rock bottom. I had always dismissed this question prior to that time, fearful of becoming a dreaded humanist or falling into that great sin of pragmatic humanism, even to the point of defending the ubf ideology passionately. But as I did so, I noticed I was becoming more and more disconnected from people around me, even my own wife and children.

The disconnect grew with each bible study, as I wove a narrative for my life based on the bible characters. That is the big mistake of most ubf bible studies: you are taught to put yourself into specific bible passages over and over again until you take on a new identity as “Abraham” or “Isaac” or “Paul” or “Timothy”. Your heart races and angst builds as you desperately look for affirmation of this new “biblical” identity. I believe such bible study, where you try to live out the bible characters in real life, is most dangerous. This thinking leads to all kinds of disconnects.

I found out recently that my character is wired to be able to handle such cognitive dissonance for extended periods of time, more so than most people. So that helps me understand how I could bear the ubf disconnect for so many years.

But then one day in 2010 or so, I realized something rather obvious: we are human. Jesus became human. And I surrendered to grace. It was a most joyful moment! I decided to search for the root or source of my disconnected life, and earnestly make every effort to rebuild, repair and restore the relationships around me, starting with my wife. This is still ongoing, but doing such reconciliation work caused the disconnect between me and ubf members to grow even wider. They can’t handle reconciliation work, which is evident by the recent letter in my article.

Two things helped me recover from the disconnect I had with people around me, and they are the two demands in my open letter to all ubf members.

1. Admit abuse. Nothing clarifies like clarity. If you want to clarify the confusion around your ubf situation, face the facts that your shepherds and missionaries have committed horrific acts. I’m not saying go on a witch hunt. Just accept this reality. Stop spinning the abuse (physical, psychological, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc) as “for God’s glory”. Spinning abuse as “God’s glory” and “being a blessing” only furthers your disconnect from reality.

2. Release the bonds. ubf people won’t ever communicate with exubfers until ubf people stop seeing themselves as shepherds. Stop seeing us ex members as having lost or abandoned our calling. We did not abandon our calling, we followed a new calling. Put and end to the shepherding ideologies. NOW. Stop it. Tell all your sheep: You are free. You do not need me to supervise your morality or your obedience.

Basically, it’s a manner of talking that allows people to communicate at a superficial, surface level while suppressing or hiding much of their deeper thoughts and emotions. It’s a false religious self that hides the true self. Many religious communities foster this on some level, but in ubf it’s rather extreme.

Each letter should be different according to the time, relationships and reasons for why that person left UBF. All UBF members are required to struggle not once, but many times to write a life testimony (story) revealing their one of a kind sin problem etc…..Therefore, it is not difficult for each letter to be handled personally and carefully. We have such experience of being “personal” when it suits us. Besides that no one just left, they plodded along until they could not take any more. The situation was reversible, but since people left it’s not anymore.

Moreover, a public apology is something that everyone can witness. You know if America has to apologize for something it means that the president has to make a public televised speech. Similar in any country etc….So, if UBF (or any chapter) makes such apologies it should be open and certainly published online. But I am asking too much as always.

* Thank God that an apology letter was “finally” written after many many decades of authoritarian abuses. I hope that other UBF chapters will take the cue from Toledo UBF. Kudos to you to being the first to apologize.
* I am glad that a few leaders in Toledo UBF took much time, thought, energy and effort to write the apology letter.
* I believe that they gave their heart and did their best in writing what they wrote.

* But when I read the letter I also immediately knew that it would not “feel” like an apology to those who received the apology. In fact, those who received it would not be happy, and might in fact even feel worse than before receiving the apology. The reasons have been clearly elucidated above.
* I also felt that the Toledo leaders who gave their heart to write the letter (and other UBF sympathizers and loyalists) would be upset at the responses to the apology. I think they really do not know why the apology letter felt insincere, formal, business like and not heart-felt.

If the UBF leaders are truly apologetic to those they hurt, then even if they get unappreciative responses, they would search their own hearts and be broken even more to figure out why.

Instead, some UBF leaders might likely become even more upset and critical toward UBFriends and vocal exUBFers which is very very unfortunate. The anger of some UBF leaders would be the evidence that the apology (though an excellent first step) was not truly a genuine apology that really and truly understood those who were hurt, abused, humiliated, disrespected and even dehumanized by UBF leadership.

When UBF leadership understands my last sentence then a meaningful heart felt apology would indeed bind up the wounds of the broken-hearted.

As I read them, I was reminded of 1 John 3:18: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”

I appreciate your insight. (And probably I should have used the word “despite” instead of “inspite” as my wife will surely correct me :)

One of the reasons I felt this letter was condescending was because of what you say: They are dictating the problem, echoing back to me my own words that I and others told them. But the question is: What will they do to correct those 11 things?

Anyway, as I said, I’ll take this admission of wrongdoing as sincere and accept the apology. Now let’s see what happens next. I’m up for a road trip to Toledo :)

I’m glad that you published this. I hope that Toledo leaders have no qualms about making this apology letter public. If “We take responsibility for our past practices…” is real, then in my opinion they ought to fully own this letter by posting it prominently on their website and publishing it as as article on ubf.org.

Having read the letter, I have two reservations about it.

First, I didn’t like the way that they tried to list all the mistakes that were made, as if they could fully diagnose what had gone wrong. They are just beginning the process of realizing what went wrong, and yet it sounds as though they already have it all figured out.

Second, based on what I’ve heard, some who signed the letter didn’t actually agree with its contents; they did it as a concession to those who wanted it, and now they want to consider the matter settled and closed. I hope that everyone realizes that this is not the end of the process but just the beginning.

Despite these reservations, I’m still glad that they have done this, because it signals an important change in direction. As the Chinese proverb goes, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”