@Chris, Yes, bad theological understanding about God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and the Bible IS the root problem. So some UBF leaders play the role of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit in the lives of their sheep, and they interpret the Bible based on their own understanding and UBF experience, or on the understanding of their older shepherd or leader. This is of course very serious and has led to ALL the problems expressed on UBFriends.

It’s really necessary to reconcile. But one thing that bothers me is that people seem believe the only problem is that people hurt each other and need to apologize. I see it a bit differently, namely as a bad and partially outright evil system/theology/ideology that hurt all of us, leaders and ordinary members, shepherds and sheep alike. Not only we ordinary members wasted our lives in boring meetings and in trying to emulate a leadership style that hurt our Bible students, not developing our talents and freely using our minds and hearts, but it also hurt the leaders, who became proud and self-righteous, believing to earn a crown in heaven when in reality they only brought dissension and hurt, and shame on the name of the church and Christianity and did God a disservice. It is good if we apologize to each other, but if we do not expose and shake off that bad theology, the same abuse will happen all over again.

Eph 6:12 says: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” We need to ask ourselves: Why is there so much discord and hurt in a community which is composed mostly of nice and friendly people with good intentions? My understanding is that it is because of some fundamentally wrong and harmful concepts that have permeated this community from the beginning. These bad concepts need to be challenged to solve the problems fundamentally. This “little yeast” spoils everything good that could come out of the community. I made the experience that once people shook off this bad mentality, once they started to think freely, we didn’t even need to talk much, we were kind of instantly reconciled. It’s as if people are under a bad spell that makes them misbehave and hurt each other. But luckily it’s possible to shake that spell off. The first step is to not deny the problems and become aware of that bad spell.

A sad shepherding experience has unfortunately been that it has often been Win/Lose. If the sheep obeys the shepherd, the shepherd wins, the sheep loses. If the sheep disobeys/leaves the shepherd, the sheep wins, the shepherd loses. Actually in both instances, both lost!

My observation often has been that the shepherd is so used to getting his way with the sheep, that he can never lose to the sheep. Thus, many shepherds are UNABLE to genuinely apologize to the sheep they wounded, because then they feel that they will lose face. Sorry to say, that they will remain losers the longer they refuse to apologize. Great quote from Mt 5:23-24.

What really resonated with me about your experience is how your wife was disturbed by your conviction that you must be reconciled with your brother. I have found that wounds that have been received as a couple really need to be reconciled as a couple. If your wife was really opposed to reconciling with the other family, how would you have responded to the Spirit’s leading to ask them forgiveness?

The other thing you shared that resonated with me is that the goal of reconciliation is not to determine who wins and who loses, but that Jesus wins. Through being reconciled as brothers in Christ, we declare Jesus’ victory over the conflict that estranged us. Jesus accomplished the ultimate act of reconciliation between sinners and Holy God through his shed blood on the cross. In reconciling with my brother, we are allowing that ultimate reconciliation to take effect in our horizontal (brother-to-brother) relationship.

Amen! You also have a blessed Good Friday and Easter. He has risen!

But as I shared in my earlier comment, God had been speaking to my heart through the study of the Sermon on the Mount, especially the Beatitudes over last couple of weeks. As a result of this, I decided to meet this brother and his wife to ask their forgiveness for healing and reconciliation. It was so scary at first even to think of such a thing. When I shared this with my wife she was deeply disturbed and suffered a great deal. We both struggled with the same question, “How can we ask forgiveness instead of demanding apology from those whom we know are indeed wrong in some ways, who left us, and gave us wounds?” But the Spirit of God did not give up on us, burdened us and made us uncomfortable until we were ready to obey Jesus’ desire to make peace. So we decided to meet the brother’s family and ask their forgiveness for the wrongs we had done to them—that included angry words, emotional tone, judging them in words and thoughts.

We had no idea what was going on with them. But as we decided to meet them, before we even make our plans to known to them, they began to open their hearts and let us know how God had changed their view points. It was almost unbelievable to us as we had thought they would never change. Finally we met, shared a meal, talked freely about the issue that had divided us, asked for each other’s forgiveness for healing. Few days before it was unthinkable, but God was working on both sides– rebuking us, correcting us, and burdening us to finally make peace. And the outcome was so liberating and wonderful.

Sorry for this long comment, but what I am actually trying to share from this personal story are these principles that I learned about reconciliation or peace-making (Mt 5:9):

(1)From my experience, God seems to have more urgency for reconciliation among Christians who have wounded one another than blessing their ministries (Mt 5:23-24).

(2)We cannot be effective in our service to God and others if unresolved issues like broken relationships among Christians are not addressed and resolved with the urgency God has about it. To put it differently, the purpose for which God has called us is greatly hindered until we resolve broken relationship among brothers.

(3)Reconciliation demands willingness to die to our ego and saying “please forgive me” rather than “I forgive you.” But it is worth dying for, because only when I die, Christ can live in me.

(4)The thought of asking for forgiveness from a brother is dreadful, but if we are willing to take the first step, God is committed to make the way of reconciliation smoother.

(5)Reconciliation does not mean doing the same thing together again but celebrating what God is doing in the life of the brother with whom I need to make peace and to release him to serve God in his present situation and calling, unless he finds it for himself as God’s will for him to return.

(6)To say that reconciliation is not possible with a person because of our bad experiences with him is as bad as calling a brother ‘Raca’ or ‘you fool’ meaning calling him a reprobate (Mt 5:22) and denying the power of God. I know that things are not just ready yet, but since God has urgent, I am looking forward to a day of reconciliation with my brothers in UBF whom I have wounded and who also have given me wounds and pains.

(7)For reconciliation among brothers, the real issue that divides needs to be addressed and resolved, but the result of any real reconciliation is not one wins and another loses, but Jesus wins whose other name is the Truth.

Have a blessed Good Friday and Happy Easter!

Based on what I’ve been learning recently, I would say it this way: “our weakness is that we are expressing our strengths in a negative way and need to find out how to positively apply our strengths and how to identify and utilize each members’ strengths appropriately”.

Yet, our weakness is a refusal to go beyond our strengths and begin to address some of our blatant obvious weaknesses, such as our overbearing authoritarianism, legalisms, excessive mission focus, and marginalizing anyone who does not “just obey,” not to mention our overweening pride and refusal to humble ourselves to apologize to those we have clearly wronged.

These ongoing tendencies and practices by some UBF leaders are destroying UBF by obscuring and blocking Christ and the gospel from being high-lighted and exalted.

ubf has never been about forming leaders or developing their strengths, but has been all about seeking high and low for that “one person” who will buy into the system and prove it out for them. I was that “one person” for many years.

The hardest part however is, not only peacemaking is costly, hardwork and messy, reconcilation is not possible independently of the seven other beatitudes. It demands ‘mercy’ without compromising ‘righteousness’ for any true reconciliation, and infact all the other seven. The beatitudes demand our whole being to crucified so that Jesus may live inside of us, and since we are not ready to come to terms with Jesus fully, we are not ready to come to terms with others as well. We are loosing our saltiness and diminishing our light as we go on ignoring our primary calling to live out the eight beatitudes in words and deeds.

However, in spite of my own weaknesses and failures, I see hope in the fact that the Holy Spirit is reminding and helping us to be serious about the beatitudes. And He is whispering it to those who have stop becoming too much busy with what He has called us ‘to do’ and are in a specific season of their lives focusing on what He has called us ‘to be’.