By the way AbNial-98 was full of life, and joy and peace and hope, and zeal, b’coz he met Jesus as his Savior and Lord that year, and knew nothing of what Ben-98 is talking about.

Since becoming a Christian in 1980, I have always loved being a “worm” before God (Isa 41:14)–then in 1998 and even today. Is there a difference? I think so, but it’s quite subtle and subjective.

In 1998, there was a lack of inner confidence and boldness because of a degree of self-loathing, which I perceived to be humility. Today, I see that as a disguised pride expressing itself as a false sense of humility.

Today, because of a “deeper” realization of grace, I am bold and confident, I have no fear of anything or anyone (except for the fear of God), simply because of a confidence in the love of God that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Yet, I do not believe the humility is squashed by my boldness, because I am still ever in awe for still being that worthless “worm” for which Jesus had to die.

I love the gospel for ONLY in the gospel is both humility and boldness always in tact simultaneously. Outside of the gospel, either humility of boldness will be lacking. Or we flip flop from boldness to humility and vice versa depending on our “spiritual performance.”

If I think I am doing well, I am bold but not humble. But if I think I am doing poorly, (as when I wrote what I did in 1998), I was “humble” but not at all bold or confident. But it is not really humility, because I “refused” the grace of God because of my own perception of my own poor performance.

“Most of us have been exposed to such a mutilated form of biblical submission that either we have embraced the deformity or we have rejected the Discipline altogether. To do the former leads to self-hatred; to do the latter leads to self-glorification.”

It seems as if Ben-1998 loathes himself. Something Foster continually emphasizes is that the spiritual practices of discipline are not the goal, but only instruments to the goal. Ben-1998 is focusing on the outward acts, but he’s just burnt out and immersed in worm theology. “Self-denial is not the same thing as self-contempt.”-Foster

There is a balance. Spiritual discipline is essential to growth and depth. But the acts of discipline are not what save us.

Please don’t take this in the wrong way. I respect you and your faith. I believe that you have accepted certain teachings of the gospel, at least in a doctrinal sense. But through your words, I don’t hear an authentic present experience of grace. What I hear is a whole lot of self-loathing, a false humility that some have called “worm theology.” You are not a worm. You are an image bearer of the Triune God.

Your friend, Joe-12.

First of all, I say we need to post many more of these kinds of testimonies! I have several hundred megabytes of similar testimonies I and others wrote.

On one hand, I can’t stop laughing hysterically, because I cannot imagine you writing this! God’s transformation of you is remarkable, knowing you now and comparing to the Ben-1998 who I used to be afraid of :) You truly are “no longer that person, though I am still that person, except for theological adjustments regarding dualism, gnosticism, patriarchy, paternalism, anthropocentricity, authoritarianism, and the gospel.”

Seriously though, although BrianK-1998 felt almost exactly the same way as Ben-1998, he would NEVER have guessed that you felt like this. Ben-1998 was portrayed to BrianK-1998 as the “best 1:1 Bible teacher in UBF” (If I remember correctly that was an announcement given by Samuel Lee passed onto us). You were something of a legend who always had 50 sheep every week. So it is good to know that Ben-1998 had real feelings, albeit an overdose of unhealthy self-pity.

My only words to Ben-1998 now would be: cheer up!