But after some recent conversations and correspondences I realize that it is really not easy to be honest. Someone said, “If it will hurt your wife, you can’t her the truth. You must wait until the right time.” In effect, truth telling becomes subjective, arbitrary and relative.

My pastor once told me justification means being found innocent under the law, but interestingly the Vulgate uses “iustificere” instead of “absolvere”. I guess a priest would need to explain the difference.

anyway, like Rocky, getting strong now! Holy Spirit is helping, who can stop Him?

the choice is simple: honor (..horror) or truth (..freedom)

make no mistake about it, human overhonor is horrific

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!

if they don’t find it, they should not ruin themselves participating in failed adult efforts in religion; if adults can’t get it right, too bad; religion better grow up in Christ, or we’re better off going it alone straight to Christ:)

These things describe my life of pursuing graceless sanctification (trying to change myself). God’s message to me was “stop”, stop and accept His grace. This God-led sanctification rather well-described here: http://bentohwestloop.blogspot.com/2012/01/sanctification-philippians-212-18.html  (along with the other sermons in the series.) 

I too would like to make a commitment to being absolutely honest. When we share testimonies I mostly never hear of specific sin, and the way I do hear about it is having to ask that person what they meant when they said they struggled with sin or fell or something. I pray to be a good example in being open about my life, and just saying that is freeing.

By the way, we are fast approaching our “1 year anniversary”! The first ubfriends article was What is good communication?.

Any thoughts on what to publish on 6/24/2011? Any thoughts about the last year? I for one want to say THANK YOU to Joe and Sharon Shafer for their faith, courage and love for Christ our Lord and for their neighbors around the world.

Sometimes I sense that I should take a vow of silence from ubfriends… I really don’t intend to de-rail the good communication that has taken place here.

Also I am very aware of Jesus’ words about wine and wineskin in Luke 5:36-39. Most people who came to the point I have end up leaving the ministry. In the past, the wine and the wineskin are damaged in some way. I want to remain part of the ministry in order to see new wine poured into new wineskins. I am like many though, I love the old wine!

I like this site and the articles as I find them edifying with a fresh breath of the Holy Spirit. I will keep visiting this site. However, I have decided not to comment anymore. God bless.

Just because there hasn’t been a healthy outlet in the past doesn’t mean there will NEVER be one. Perhaps sometimes this means we have serve as a prophetic voice of change and working actively towards creating a healthy outlet. Other times, this may mean fighting the temptation to take things into our own hands but instead learning to wait on the Lord to accomplish something more powerful than that which we might have been imagining. I’m not trying discourage any form of UBF “activism” I’m starting to see online or offline. But I am hoping and praying that whatever the Lord calls us to do in the ministry of restoration and reconciliation, we’ll be able to keep trusting the Lord to work in the midst of His Body to bring out about the necessary healing and reconciliation that we all are longing to see in our UBF ministry and in rest of the Body of Christ.

Like many things about the Kingdom of God in a fallen world, it’s hard to believe God’s redemptive reality will break through those private broken worlds which are marred by sin and wounded by relational conflicts, bitterness, injustice and silence.

But as some theologian once said, there is no area in all of creation in which Christ does not say “It is mine!” and that He will not seek to redeem it. Indeed, He will seek to redeem it. Nothing we have experienced in our lives is so bad that it is far beyond the reach of His grace to redeem it. It is this (theological) conviction that I move forward in my own life, praying for the kind of redemption we need in the various broken relationships in our ministry and throughout the world. Being part of this UBFriends community has motivated me positively in that respect, and for that, I am really grateful.

http://missionbooks.org/williamcareylibrary/product.php?productid=672&cat=0&page=1

But what process does our church have for dealing with chapter issues? What if problems are larger than one person? What if the issues are not personal, but systemic to a chapter? What if the perception of glory doesn’t match the pain of reality?

The comments from Abraham Nial and the India chapter are perhaps not inline with ubfriends, but they are telling. Where else could he turn to? We simply do not have a proper way of dealing with issues truthfully and honestly. The problems indeed start out as “just a little bad weather” and could be resolved reather easily initially. But wounds and hurt are left to smolder since there is no healthy way of dealing with issues. The answer is usually just “make good with your shepherd” or “leave the ministry”.

I am a man who typically is silent about everything. Yet in order to prevent two more chapters from such a situation as India, I will shout from the mountain tops if necessary.

I am a fan of trying to win the highly coveted prize of the “most commented article” on UBFriends – if that functionality ever gets restored again. Someone out there is “training” me and curbing my ego. :)

“Korean Air had more plane crashes than almost any other airline in the world for a period at the end of the 1990s. When we think of airline crashes, we think, Oh, they must have had old planes. They must have had badly trained pilots. No. What they were struggling with was a cultural legacy, that Korean culture is hierarchical. You are obliged to be deferential toward your elders and superiors in a way that would be unimaginable in the U.S.

But Boeing (BA, Fortune 500) and Airbus design modern, complex airplanes to be flown by two equals. That works beautifully in low-power-distance cultures [like the U.S., where hierarchies aren’t as relevant]. But in cultures that have high power distance, it’s very difficult.

I use the case study of a very famous plane crash in Guam of Korean Air. They’re flying along, and they run into a little bit of trouble, the weather’s bad. The pilot makes an error, and the co-pilot doesn’t correct him. But once Korean Air figured out that their problem was cultural, they fixed it.”

In fact, we discussed this about a year ago here: http://www.ubfriends.org/2010/06/what-is-good-communication/#more-57

I’m not sure I understand. Could you explain this sentence?

“But I also believe that it should be handled in the proper manner and in the church, not in the rooftops.”

What is the “it”? Also, what does the “rooftops” mean?

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15-17)

You see the point, it is still in the church to the end.

I remember a quote that went something like, “if you look at someone lustfully, you’ve already committed adultery in your heart”.

I think it’s kind of the same concept here. Like, it doesn’t matter that what you said wasn’t the truth. It just shows you’re in “sin mode” and lying is the “fruit” of that state, just like looking at someone lustfully is the fruit of deeper adultery (sin) issues.

I also remember a quote in the Bible that said something like, “everything that we say that’s not truthful is sinful”.

So what kind of a state are we in when we stretch facts or blatantly lie? personally, I usually have fear in me or egoistic pride (being judgmental)and that’s the main issue..

just some stuff i’ve been thinking of lately.

My question: to what end are we pursue absolute honesty?*

There was a lot of controversy over what writer Tim O’Brien calls “Story-truth”? In his book, “The Things they Carried” he recollects the horrors of the Vietnam War using story-truth. Sometimes, certain experiences shell-shock us. Story-truth, then, becomes a way of healing, and somehow communicating, difficult experiences. Maybe the controversy is not so much in how we tell the story (i.e. truthfully), but the motive behind why we tell them.

My guess is that a person’s need to tell a fictionalized story says something about the kind of person/where the teller is. I have a sister and a father who are great story tellers. When I was little, I laughed along. When I got older, I judged them. What changed? Not their stories. Rather, I suspect it was my changed relationship with them. And surprise, it’s changed again.

I don’t think I’m encouraging a humanistic or relativistic view of honesty. I’m just at a point where I’m not just tackling the truth of stories themselves (as they involve me + others) but also tacking the truth that many more things are being communicated in the telling. What really matters, I believe God himself reveals. In absolute honesty, this is the kind of truth that, I find, sets one free.

Does this make sense? Thoughts welcome here.

*Note: I link the meaning of honesty to truthfulness here.

Someone recently asked me if I wanted to bring my list of grieveances to a meeting to discuss them. I said no, because I don’t have enough paper to print them all out. I also said, I’ve forgiven every one of them. Jesus said to forgive “70 times 7”. I feel that I’ve forgiven “7000 times 7”. I often wonder why I am the one initiating and forgiving almost all the time.

The bottom line is that I’m just happy that things are actually changing, and there are people in UBF like those posting here who know what’s right and want to walk in the light of honesty and truth, and are willing to examine the facts without caring so much about keeping face.

I’ve lived in a particular bubble in which I only experienced positive things and have never been wounded by anyone in UBF. Made uncomfortable, yes. But never wounded or hurt. I’m still in the midst of trying to understand the experiences of others who have had not the same fortunate experiences as I.

My current “beefs” and “wounds” stem from the collateral damage that is resulting from unresolved conflicts between former/current members and UBF leadership, which are affecting me and members of my ministry who have virtually nothing to do with conflicts and mistakes from the past. I guess it comes with the territory, and I don’t blame anyone specifically, but people have to understand that there are other unintended “victims” out there because of the “honest” and disturbing things that get circulated out there on the internet. You can blame the leaders for not dealing with legitimate abuses or grievances. Fine. But people also need to take responsibility for what they write on the internet which end up hurting others not directly involved in their personal grievances. We all have to work together to achieve reconciliation and healing or we all as Body of Christ will be hurt, one way or another.

What do you think about Joe’s admonishment above?

“Now I want to ask you a question. Are you willing to join me by placing your hand on the Bible and swear this same commitment “to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God”? If so, I’d love to hear about it. If not, I’d love to hear why.”

Your comments are welcome here.

I’ve seen this first hand plus other things like phony praise, phony compliments, exaggerations of half-truths, etc.

That being said, I’m glad Joe Schafer took a first step — especially since he’s a leader — to address the concerns publicly and not shirk responsibility or deny the existence of problems at all. That from my 13 years of experience has been the norm for the chapter with which I’ve associated myself.

I would also caution our readers as you said:

“I would like to provide a little caution that one cannot claim to know what “UBF really is” simply by reading this UBFriends online forum, as truthful as Joe’s article happens to be.”

I won’t speak for Joe (although I did a few posts ago, sorry!). But I hope no one misunderstands my viewpoint of UBF. I am in UBF ministry, called by God to campus mission to be a Bible teacher. I do thank God for the ways in which God has chosen to use this ministry. I do not think the ministry is full of liars and deceivers. But I do acknowledge we have much to correct and learn.

I would like to provide a little caution that one cannot claim to know what “UBF really is” simply by reading this UBFriends online forum, as truthful as Joe’s article happens to be. You are getting a perspective and a truthful one at that, but not a comprehensive and complete perspective of “UBF reality” in its entirety.

I’m not criticizing Joe’s article at all, but I’m trying to fight against the natural tendency of people to think that if they’ve “seen or read about one UBF community, they’ve seen ’em all.” Of course, I’m fighting the persistent tendency of UBF-outsiders (or even ex-members) who read something about UBF (usually on the internet) or experience something in UBF (usually something wounding and disturbing) and then think they know everything about my particular UBF community and have henceforth cast me and the rest of UBF into some dark mental prison where we are now all “guilty until proven innocent.” And the usual tendency for those who choose to use the internet to “understand” UBF is not to actually talk to people involved to promote mutual understanding and edification, but to justify something else. There are exceptions, and I just met one recently who spoke to me honestly about troubles in UBF past but withheld judgment on me and my ministry until he first talked with me and got a chance to know me and my ministry. What a breath of fresh air. You know who you are and I thank you.

So, is it true that if you’ve “seen one apple, you’ve seen them all?” No, with something as complex and diverse as our UBF community, if you’ve seen one UBF community, you’ve seen just one UBF community. Cultural and sociological generalizations are interesting, but when it comes down to it, I am not UBF and UBF is not I. My UBF community may bear resemblances to greater UBF or other UBF ministries, but not everything about greater UBF, or some problematic UBF ministry, is representative of our own local UBF ministry. Judge me by the basis of my own “strengths and sins”, not on the basis of others’ “strengths and sins” – whether perceived or real. Judge me after you have gotten to know me and my ministry. And do not judge me because you have “read something on the internet” and thus have discovered “gospel truth” about everything in my ministry and can thus claim to know what I’m all about.

Anyway, sorry, I clearly have personal issues that I’m working through right now. What a way to “welcome” a friendly observer to this discussion. My apologies.

Admin, feel free to give me a “time-out.” I’ll go to my room now and be still.

I’ve always taught Gen 27:1-46 by strongly commending Rebekah for her lying, since God revealed to her that God had chosen Jacob over Esau as the covenant son (Gen 25:23). Thus, her lying was her faith and her attempt to honor God and to ensure God’s correct choice of Jacob over Esau.

This, I believe, is quite a bad and ludicrous way of teaching this passage. For this suggests that God needed us Christians to make sure that his will is done and carried out correctly. Wow. I think I had inadvertently communicated to those I taught Genesis to that God would be paralyzed to fulfill his will without us humans!

Now, looking back, such a teaching would condone “the ends justifying the means,” which I don’t believe would ever be justifiable for a Christian.

Talking about what “she said to her” and what “he said to him” and such things is borderline gossip however.

Personally, I almost wish we had a “gossip board” where people could air all sorts of complaints about our ministry. At least it would be a venting place and possibly hold people more accountable. I doubt such a board would bring about much good though.

Yaruingam’s example is a good example of how top leader’s actions will filter throughout the ministry. It is also an example of the “Rebekah Syndrom”, which we need to repent of in UBF. We should be giving credit where credit is due, and not blindly rewarding those who act deceptively.

In no way does Joe or I feel that UBF is filled with lies and deception. For example, could the missionary you mentioned above have been praying much, and found that prayers were answered? Did the missionary even know your wife had arranged the job? Unfortunately, proper “credit” wasn’t given. But as you said, you are no longer part of the ministry. So maybe there wasn’t even a chance to give proper credit?

“1. To report the happenings in our ministry in a realistic way with no exaggeration, embellishment or spin, and to encourage others to do the same.

2. To no longer hide, gloss over, or minimize the problems and failures of myself and those around me. To face uncomfortable happenings of the present and past in a factual way, without any hint of defensiveness or spin, and encourage others to do the same. I will not defend wrongdoing by arguing that it was unintentional, done with noble intentions or rooted in misunderstanding. God is the one who will judge intentions. Our role is to ascertain and disclose the facts.

3. To confess my sins to friends and members of my community and to encourage others, especially our leaders, to do the same. Confession lies at the heart of the gospel and is necessary for forgiveness, reconciliation and healing. It cannot be limited to sins that are easy to admit, such as “I haven’t been faithful in studying the Bible and praying for my sheep.” It must include the events that are truly embarrassing, such as the times that I lied to save my own skin. The times I have engaged in ugly behavior in secret. The times that I have hurt people with angry words and actions. The times I have gossiped about people and undermined their reputation.”

“Yes, God does withold information from us, but he doesn’t mislead or deceive.”

Indeed, Jesus did not tell all the details of heaven to Peter and the others because they couldn’t handle it at that time. In fact, I’m not sure any human being could handle all the details about heaven!

But Jesus never lied. Jesus never deceived the disciples into thinking heaven was something different than it is. So perhaps JohnY has a point about b) above, the whole truth.

So I’m wondering, does the “whole truth” mean “all the details”?

I don’t thinks so. We can and should vary the amount of details in various occassions. But we cannot do this at the expense of chipping away at the truth.

If I withhold a detail that changes the truth, I am deceiving. If I tell a detail that changes the truth, I am lying. Everything I say and do, no matter how detailed, should be inline with the whole truth of the matter at hand.

This was an amazing article Joe.

That might be what God’s perspective is like. Humans might be comparable to ants in intelligence, spirituality, and probably everything else when you put it in God’s perspective. It just shows how small we are.

I can understand how God would dislike self-righteousness. It’s probably because everything we’re doing “spiritually” is corrupt anyways. But the person who is humble and authentic is probably in favor before God. Because at least he knows his place.
Connecting this back to Joe’s article, I think realizing how little we are can help us become more honest; because we’re really nothing. God is infinitely greater. There’s no reason to be proud, to boost ourselves up, think you have status, etc. Which also means that there is no reason to twist facts, tell white lies, try to please other people, present yourself in a deceitful way,etc.
This is just what’s been in my head these days. I could be wrong.
 

Mark 10:42-44 (NIV)   42 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.”

Since moving to Detroit, I’ve started listening to quite a bit of Eminem music.   Why? Because it reflects my reality in many ways.   One of his lyrics goes like this: “Back to reality, oh there goes gravity.”   The thing is, there is a spiritual gravity. No matter how great we make ourselves, it all crashes to the ground at some point.   God humbles the proud in his right time.

We’ve all heard about “being a great shepherd”, having a “great, big church”. I think this mentality influences us a lot, and our need for human recognition overpowers our character sometimes. Unfortunately, striving to “be great” in the eyes of others becomes the main goal of associating with other Christians. I think this results in hypocrisy and division. Fellow Christians are not equal anymore in people’s eyes. People who are labelled “great” are suddenly above regular people. These so-called “great” people begin to believe this as well.   Love for eachother as equals seems to be gone, we no longer can relate and help each other.
“Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk. It must be a thing of action and sincerity (1 John 3:18).”
This is why I like reading the Bible. This verse is so true. Let’s try to be sincere and be authentic rather than trying to impose status or impress others.
“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”
What’s interesting is that even when i was writing this, i had moments when i thought, “are people going to like this?”, “are people going to think i’m insightful?”. See, that is when my need for human recognition came into play.
I really hope that we can stop pressuring people to be “great”. I think it doesn’t really help at all. Besides we’re all sinners aren’t we? Let’s focus on helping eachother by sharing the gospel only, as equals.

“Chapter 7 traces the influence of Korean culture and deference to superiors as significant facts in a high number of plane crashes in the national airlines. It was only when cultural phenomena such as the inability to contradict a superior were corrected by cultural retraining that Korean Air Lines began to achieve the same safety levels of the airlines of other countries. This chapter is interesting for its treatment of flight KAL 007 alone.”

http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/w/page/14422682/Outliers

However, M.Sarah Barry visited Toledo all weekend.   My wife and I met with her for over 6 hours Monday and had good fellowship and a time of “speaking the truth”.   I was encouraged through meeting with her.

I agree “absolutely”… (well I didn’t until about 5 or 6 years ago, now I do!)

You asked: “But will there ever come a time when individual leaders in UBF  are actually called out for their  sins against other members and have to answer for them?”

I have witnessed this calling out of a leader too many times to count.   I know it has happened over and over.   But I found out something interesting lately.   There is a lot of Eastern religious thought in our ministry toward repentance.   Korean missionaries have been called out numerous times, but it seems they sit silently and “take the flogging”, and then continue on with no change. This is not Christian repentance.

I would argue that we need a healthy dose of “absolute repentance”.

I am wondering  why should the recent happenings in Toledo be kept silent?   Why are things done so secretly? (These are not questions I’m asking you, David)   I often feel like I’m just asking the wind…

I want to be clear that I am very happy and thankful for men like Joe and Dr. Ben and the rest of you who are willing to undergo the “shame” of speaking against the unbiblical and sinful practices in the ministry and what used to be your personal lives. You are truly lights in the darkness.

Well, these days I am THANKING GOD for technology!   Email, blogs, forums, Facebook…it is now impossible to control information.  

Thank you for your insights. We do need more honesty, transparency and accountability.

However, I don’t think it is the complete picture.

I want to add something else to the list: absolute love. And I don’t think it is at all in conflict with absolute truth. Of course we try to categorize things in terms or concepts we understand, but we will always fall short of understanding the full nature of God and how he works.

We need more absolute love.

The cross shows us many aspects of God’s character of which truth and love are two. The graphic nature of the crucifixion shows us the truth about man’s depravity. At the same time, it shows us the amazing breadth of God’s absolute love for sinners.

As has been pointed out here several times, the Bible is very blunt about the failures of his people. King David and his adultery & murder, Abram and his lies, Moses and his impatience, the Israelites’ sins, the dispute between Peter and Paul, etc. A recent article on this site, for example, brought up that the point of the book of Genesis is something deeper than what may be immediately obvious. Maybe that is a way to look at human events and history as well. In the midst of all human endeavors, God continues to love his people, disciplining them, and showing his awesome power and relentlessness to work out his plan.

I think that an accurate history of UBF in its 50 years would include many human failures and sins, but behind the scenes God has done his work. I along with you would hope that at this time we don’t glorify an organization or a people in it, but look at the God of UBF and praise him for his work. As of at least equal value- I agree – is learning from failures of the past to improve things so that God can use us even more. And we can really praise God for his love that he uses people in spite of their faults.

So here’s where absolute love comes in: frankly I hated Dr. Samuel Lee and others at times. My first reaction was to “complain” (although I did not regard it as complaining and still don’t) and I did/do many times. But the most surprising thing is that God has also worked in my heart through these things. Through them I have actually learned more about the love of God that transcends our sins than I could have ever learned from any book or lecture- for which I am very thankful. I learned about my arrogance, my lack of love and about how to trust God as the sovereign Lord more. And hopefully I learned about how to bear others and eventually forgive, probably in just a very small measure compared to the forbearance and forgiveness the Lord has shown to me. This is my own experience and one way God has worked in my own life; maybe God has worked differently in other individuals.

Ephesians 4:15 says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” I think that underlying truth or at least along with truth, love has to be there. In this context, I will happily place my hand on the Bible and swear the commitment “to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.” May God bless us with even more transparency and accountability under his love and grace.

I’d love to attend your bbq this Saturday. Maybe I can sometime in the future. I bet we both have some stories to share. Maybe at some point, I can share some of them here as appropriate and what I learned from them!

I hadn’t thought of it that way. I guess I assumed it was due more to a lack of historical knowledge than to what you said. This is really smart – “To me and to many others, it seemed that the “show” was more important than the truth.” And you have officially changed my mind. :)

In Genesis, Rebekah did not use truth, but lies and deception to get her son Jacob the blessing from Isaac, instead of Esau.   Joseph’s brothers threw him into a well to die, yet God had a good purpose and saved many lives.  

Korean missionaries need to stop throwing people into “wells” and repent of the “Rebekah” syndrom.   Just because God works in spite of your sin, doesn’t mean you should sin to see God’s work.

“I think that we seriously have to begin to address this, and to work these things out, or there may not be the next 50 years to talk about.”

We often say we don’t want to be the “church of the warm pew”… but we will soon be the “church of the empty pew” if we don’t stand up for what is true, speak openly about facts and courageously open our hearts and minds to the Spirit of Truth.

It is painful to me to hear your story.   These days God has put a pain in my heart like never before, and a power in my spirit like never before.   You wrote: “What bothers him most is dishonest and silence of church.”   This is the pain I now have too.

I assure you that I will no longer be silent (be prepared because I’ve been storing this up for a long time…)   I will be publishing more articles to support Joe’s point above.   I will be repenting publicly of my sin, which was illegal and unlawful.

I have a question for us: What land are we in?   We are on American soil, in America.   In Russia, we are on Russian soil, and so on.   In America, we have a Constitution, which I believe is a set of principles of truth, honesty and integry.   All laws in America stem from this set of principles. A law that does not abide with the Constitution is not enforcable.  

Romans 13 declares that a missionary must honor the governing authorities.   I would argue that   Romans 13 is not talking about church authorities, but government.   A Christian submits to God and to Caesar.

On P.104, Roberts writes:

Neither is gentleness and act of feigning weakness in order to manipulate others. It’s nothing like the swarminess of Charles Dickens’s classic character Uriah Heep, who uses his “`umbleness” as a way to gain power over the people around him. Heep pretends to be humble in speech and demeanor, yet all the while abusing the trut others have put in him so he can use them in his selfish schemes. True gentleness comes from a desire to serve, not to dominate. It’s not a retorical technique, but a sincere expression of one’s humble heart.

Let me be honest with you. If I had a dollar for every time missionaries  encouraged me and  other Americans  to be humble, I would be very rich. I have heard this over and over for the past 30 years. Please understand that this  can be a  sore point for  many in this ministry, because on so many occasions I have seen  a call to humbleness be used to control and manage people and silence  those with valid concerns. I have seen humbleness be used as a doctrine and rhetorical device to advance personal agendas. Putting on an aura of humbleness — characterized as keeping silent, never saying anything negative,  and submitting to leaders in everything — has become a pathway to recognition, to positions of authority, to marriage, etc.  I hope you will understand that much of it now  strikes me as fake.

Jesus Christ was truly humble (Php 2). Yet he constantly challenged authority. He did not try to strike a compromise point midway between humility and truthfulness, because in reality those are not competing interests.  Jesus was fully humble and fully truthful. His humble submission was to the Father, not to human beings. So he spoke the truth, plainly and simply. I want to imitate Jesus in this regard. Please pray for me to do so.